Trigger warning: This blog contains mentions of domestic abuse and violence that could be triggering or re-traumatizing to some people. Please feel free to exit this page at any time if that is apparent for you and be sure to take care of yourself. If you are in need of immediate support or in crisis, please contact local authorities or text "home" to 741741 to be connected to a crisis counselor.
Today, June 1st is Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day and it’s a topic I could not merely refrain from writing about. If you’ve been following my page, you may know as a psychology major and loved one of a survivor of domestic abuse, this is a topic I’m immensely passionate about, and I’m on a mission through my advocacy work and future career to help others through this struggle, and be a voice for the ones who have been silenced.
But first, for those who are just hearing of the term “narcissism” or “narcissistic abuse”, I want to start by defining that in the simplest way possible.
Narcissistic Abuse:
Narcissism is a trait in which an individual lacks empathy, feels a sense of entitlement, sees others as inferior or below them, and has an intense need for control.
While there are all different types and forms of abuse (i.e. physical, emotional, sexual, financial, etc.), and narcissistic abuse can be a part of any of them, it is most commonly associations with situations of emotional abuse.
What does it look like? As with any type or form of abuse, narcissistic abuse can have very real impacts on the mind. It can be visible in the form of physical violence or sexual abuse. However, that’s not always the case; it can also be invisible. It can look like manipulation, control (dictating who you can and can’t associate with, what you can and can’t do, how you act, dress, withholding things from you, stealing from you, and overall taking control over multiple aspects of your life, etc.), isolation, verbal attacks, harassment, threats (threatening to harm you or those you care about if you seek help or tell anyone), degradation, financial control (abuse), lying, gaslighting (manipulation into believing that YOU are the problem when you’re NOT), and much more.
The following articles from MedCricle on "Narcissistic Abuse: What is it and What to do About It", and, "The Effects of Narcissitic Abuse" from VeryWell; break down these topics in simpler and easier to understand ways.
The Trauma:
We can’t talk about any type of abuse without addressing the trauma that comes with it. I’ve written other blogs about trauma. However, believe it or not; there are still a lot of people out there who would falsely not constitute abuse as a traumatic experience, when for many, abuse can be the most traumatic experience they’ve ever endured.
Definitions of trauma can be vague. While the general definitions do get the overall message that it is an intensely distressing event or experience, there’s more to it than that. It can also be a response, reaction, emotion, etc. In situations of trauma from abuse, it can look like constant fear; fear of being abused, fear of seeking help, lack of trust in others, nightmares or flashbacks of the abuse, lashing out, isolating, withdrawing, depression, anxiety, and much more. Some might say well, that sounds like PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While abuse very well can cause PTSD, it’s also worthy to acknowledge that essentially all survivors of narcissistic abuse will have trauma but not all of them will develop PTSD.
Like abuse, trauma comes in many forms and trauma is a topic that deserves it’s own blog post (well, really it’s own book that’s how much there is to cover here). However, when we’re talking about abuse specifically, the common forms we typically see include (but are not limited to):
Chronic Trauma: Trauma that is repeated and ongoing (as in almost all cases of abuse).
Betrayal Trauma: Trauma from betrayal especially from a primary caregiver or loved one.
Systemic Trauma: Trauma that can occur when survivors attempt to seek help from a system meant to protect them, only to feel more dismissed, invalidated and more traumatized.
To learn more about the ways in which trauma can come out, see my previous blog on Domestic Abuse Awareness; where I explain in-depth what domestic abuse is, what it can look like, the cycles of abuse, and more. While narcissistic abuse is a specific type of domestic abuse, the two overlap in more ways than not.
Seeking Help:
When survivors attempt to seek help or protection from the abuse, they find that the abuse and control not only get worse from the abuser; but the trauma of the abuse often is re-triggered by a word, a statement or blame of a situation or degradation they lived and survived whether it be from the entity that they are seeking help from, the abuser, or other people in their lives who they went to for help. An example of this would be when the survivor tries to break up with or divorce the abuser, seek mental health care, contact authorities or domestic violence agencies, and so forth. Especially in cases of narcissistic abuse specifically, the perpetrator cannot tolerate the idea of losing control of the victim; so they’ll often “up their game” to fear the victim into not seeking help ,or make their lives and abuse tenfold so that they regret even thinking of asking for help. Too often, I hear “I should of stayed, the abuse is ten times worse now than it ever was”.. This makes it all the more crucial to spread awareness on the topic. We must be a voice to help those whose voices are silenced by their perpetrators so that no one stands or fights alone in such traumatizing situations. Victims and survivors are too often made to feel they are unreasonable when seeking help with solid proof and are shut down because the trauma and abuse they endured and often feel is not often recognized; the triggers that caused the trauma they overcame appear to be everyone; all the while they’re just “paying the price” for seeking help or sharing their story with those they trusted to protect and believe them..
If you’re struggling:
It’s not your fault: You didn’t ask for this to happen. Your abuser may have led you to believe that it’s all your fault or that you deserve it, but I promise you one thing, it’s not and you don’t. They brainwash you into thinking it’s you and that you cannot live without them and they control your world and mind. Until someone notices and shares with you; that they see through it. They often hide their abuse and look perfect to the outside world. The control your life, your money, everything you’ve worked for, etc. so you are stuck and cannot move on without them.
There’s nothing “wrong” with you: Similarly to the above, you were probably led to believe that there is something “wrong” with you by your abuser. Again, I promise you there is not. Again, abuse is what happened to you and there was nothing you did to create it. Psychologist, Dr. Christine Courtois, explains this very statement along with the very real traumas from abuse and other experiences in her book, "It's Not You, It's What Happened to You".
It IS okay to ask for help: Most survivors of abuse are threatened or “forbidden” to ask for help. If you are in a situation where you are able to seek help, I encourage you to do so. Contrary to what you might have been led to believe, it IS okay to ask for help. I know some survivors may be in situations of abuse that make it nearly impossible to do so. However, if you are reading this article, here are just a few resources available:
If you are in a crisis situation: You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “home” to 741741 to be connected to a live crisis counselor via text. You can also contact domestic abuse hotlines specifically for domestic abuse; such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 800-799-7233 or by texting “start” to 88788. Never be ashamed to talk to a friend or loved one so they are aware of the situation; no one should stand alone or remain quiet.
Domestic Violence Agencies: Most counties have a domestic violence agency. These agencies can assist with emergency shelter, court advocacy, protection of abuse orders, etc.
If someone reports abuse to you:
Believe the survivor: If someone comes to you about abuse, dismissing it, not believing the survivor, or siding with the abuser, being a bystander can be some of the most traumatizing things you can do. You may feel as though you can’t do much in the situation. However, the truth is believing them, being there, being in their corner when they have no one can be the most positively impactful thing you can do.
Check in on them: If you’re at a distance from the survivor, check in on them. Some survivors may not be able to be responsive if their perpetrator has controlled them in that way, but the thought can mean more than you know.
Offer to support them in getting help: For survivors who are able to get help, whether it’s seeking a Protection from abuse order, contacting authorities, etc. offer to go with them or be by their side. Recounting situations of abuse is never easy. It can be one of the most daunting and re-traumatizing things to do also; having someone there can be immensely helpful. They may not want to seek this type of help at the time, but offering shows that you care.
Never, ever be silent: If you see something, say something. You might be scared by the abuser yourself, fearing if you say something, something will happen to you too. You don’t need to name names, call people out, etc. but you can be an advocate not just for someone you know, but all victims and survivors. Survivors need advocates and allies more than you can imagine. Too often, they are backed into corners, silenced, or shut down even by certain systems designed to help them. We can be the change. That is in our power as a society. Alone we can do so much but together, change is possible. Be a voice. Stand up, don’t stand down. Don’t turn the other way, especially if you truly witnessed it but don’t want to be involved. No one should stand alone especially when they have solid proof to back up their story. Be the person someone needs to never look away from abuse of any form; you may be the only one that stood up and possibly could save a life. Abusers and narcissists often look innocent on the outside but in my loved one situation MANY knew and in the end she stood alone. Never be a bystander in a situation you are fully aware of; sometimes it won’t change a thing at the justice level; but the love and support the survivor needs is part of the healing. Again, no one should stand alone ever.
