Anxiety: From Your Enemy to Your Best Friend

          As one with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, I know how debilitating anxiety can be.  However, I also know how empowering it can be.

           To start, let me begin with how I came to reach this realization.  I experienced severe bullying during my middle school years so already having anxiety prior, it definitely didn’t help.  In fact, it only made it ten thousand times worse and spiraled into a deep depression.  It was debilitating, to say the least.  It was a chore just to get out of bed every day and the thought of having to walk in a school every day knowing what I was about to face weighed me down to no end.  During this time, I felt like there was no way things were going to get better and I had no hope.  After being told I was too sensitive, emotional and that this was just all in my head by numerous people, I finally found the right professional who advised me that I was in the wrong school placement and that no matter how hard I fight, it’s a battle I will never win with the particular, prestige school district I was in at the time.  With that being said, I switched to a cyber charter school in 9^th grade and I had no idea that it would be the best thing I had ever done and I never expected such a turnaround in my life.

          Within 3 weeks of making this transition, all of my anxiety and depression were gone; they just faded because I was given what I needed: acceptance, belonging, and understanding.  With that, I was able to conquer the world.  I was able to take this incredibly negative experience and turn it into something incredibly positive with my social media campaign and this blog not only for myself but also to help others struggling as well, to let them know that they are not alone and that things do get better.

          From those three weeks on, I realized that anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy anymore but rather my best friend.  When I was finally able to thrive and reach my potential, I realized that some of my greatest accomplishments were fueled by my anxiety and facing my fears head-on.  It was in those moments of discomfort and lack of confidence where I discovered some of my greatest passions in life.

          Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming it’s “that easy” by any means; it’s not and I’d be lying if I said I don’t my moments.  I mean, don’t we all? After all, we are all only human.  Additionally, I’m not saying that you have to go out and face all of your fears and conquer the world or anything like that.  However, what I am saying is that you have the power within you to let the different adversities you are faced with in life either define you or empower you (again, I know it’s easier said than done but yet, very true).  The defining moment for me when I finally realized anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy anymore was when I realized that yes, I have anxiety but, my anxiety doesn’t define me as a person.  This is something I truly and strongly want to emphasize to you.  Your anxiety, your mental health, your disability, your health status or anything at all that you may be dealing with, does not define you.  You may not realize it now, today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but these struggles are making you stronger and stronger day after day.

          Once you come to this realization that these different things do not define you, you are officially one step closer to achieving the unthinkable.  The power is then in your hands and you get to decide what you do with that power.

           This is where that anxiety comes into play; that voice that used to drive you out of your mind feeding you lie after lie all day, every day has now become the voice; the voice you’ve been waiting for. The voice that says “you CAN do this” instead of “you can’t”.  It is at that moment that anxiety transforms from your enemy to your best friend.

           Does this mean that you’re cured, that all your problems just go away? Absolutely not.  As I mentioned, I still have my moments.  There will be moments and bad days that make you hit a wall.  There will still be those days where that voice tells you “you can’t” and you may be inclined to believe that voice, but don’t give up.  Remember, it’s just a bad day and it will pass and that the next day you will be unstoppable.

           The key to making anxiety your best friend is not about not having bad days.  It’s not about getting rid of that nagging, discouraging voice; it’s about challenging that voice.  The more you challenge the voice that says “you can’t”, the more positive the voice will become because it will realize that you actually can.  Again, way easier said than done, I get it but I believe in you and I know you can do this.  You got this!

Thanks so much for reading!

~ Compassionately Inspired

Abuse and Control: You May be a Victim of It

           Abuse and control are two concepts that are not as widely discussed as they should be.  It’s also often very widely misunderstood on a number of levels and it’s time to shed some light on such an important matter.

          Non-stop lies, consistent blame, threats (direct and/or indirect), physical abuse, hurtful words/name-calling, manipulation, brainwashing.  Any of this sound familiar?  These are just warning signs.  If any of this does sound familiar to you, read on to know that you deserve so much better.  If none of this sounds familiar to you, I encourage you to read on also because chances are you know someone who may be experiencing it.

          Abuse and control may not be so obvious especially since many associate abuse with simply physical harm.  However, there’s so much more to it than that.  In fact, verbal abuse and control can actually take a greater toll on an individual and cause more pain than physical abuse ever can.  That’s not to say physical abuse is any less by any means but I’m just highlighting the importance of this other type of abuse and control that’s equally important but often forgotten.

          It can come in so many forms such as the signs listed above.  If you feel like someone is taking control over you, lying to you on a consistent basis, controlling and jeopardizing your relationships with friends and family, blaming you for their actions and playing victim, twisting words/putting words in your mouth, continue reading.  All of these things are pure controlling behavior and hear me when I say you deserve way better than this.  No one, I repeat, no one deserves that much power over you. I know that if you’re in this situation, it can be hard to believe this.  Maybe you’re at the point where this person got in your head and truly made you believe that it’s all you.  Maybe they convinced you that you’re the one who’s at fault for everything.  But I’m here to tell you that’s the farthest thing from the truth. No, I don’t know you, but what I do know is controlling behavior; Not only professionally as a psychology major and crisis counselor, but also from personal experience.

           Pretty much my entire life growing up, I witnessed control and abuse; mostly verbally towards someone i’m very close to.  As a kid, I knew something seemed wrong but I wouldn’t have considered it as control and abuse.  I just thought this person was “being mean”.  However, as you grow older you start to realize these things and it wasn’t until I started studying psychology in high school and college until the concept of control and abuse really became clear to me when I learned about it in my classes. Something clicked.  I remember one day so clearly sitting in class learning about the cycle of abuse and control that you can see pictured below. I sat there and the exact thought that came through my mind was “Wow. This describes this person I know so clearly.”  It was quite shocking actually because I never really classified this person as an abuser or controller but the truth is they are.  Consistent lies, always placing blame on the victim, instilling (actually encouraging) these same behaviors in others who were close to the victim, manipulating and controlling relationships with the victim’s friends and family and that’s only a very small portion of it.   And you know where it all started?  One word.  One word is all it took to start this continuous cycle of abuse and control.  That goes to show how just one word can have so much power.  Words hurt.

           This brings me to the cycle of control and abuse.  There are 4 key phases to this cycle.  The first is the tension-building phase.  As the name implies, this is where tension builds.  This could take the form of just minor disagreements over minor issues, minor arguments, being verbally attacked, blame and so on.  Then we move onto the explosion phase.  This is where that tension all starts to come out.  The abuser/controller starts to take his/her anger out on you even when it’s clearly not your fault in the form of mild to severe physical harm/abuse and brutal verbal attacks.  Third, we move into the reconciliation phase.  The controller/abuser will try to make up for their actions by showering you with gifts and apologies all the while blaming you (the victim) for what occurred and making you believe that it’s all your fault when really, it’s just the opposite.  Finally, the honeymoon phase.  This is where everything seems so perfect.  However, as a cycle does, it’s not long before the tension-building phase comes around yet again and the cycle starts all over.

          I hope this article has helped you gain a better understanding of the concept of abuse and control. Whether you are someone who is currently experiencing it or whether you know someone who is.  If you’re someone who is experiencing any of this or has experienced any of this, please know you don’t deserve this and you don’t have to tolerate it.  You are worth so much more than that.  If you ever need help or support, check out thehotline.org for support and resources.  You don’t have to go through this alone.  If you’re someone who knows someone who is going through it, show support, be a listening ear, let them know you’re there for them and believe them.  Finally, if you’re someone who recognizes these behaviors in yourself, please know the damaging effect your actions and behaviors can cause; crippling mental health concerns such as depression, worthlessness, and even suicidal ideation/intent.  The effects could be detrimental and life-long.  If you aren’t sure how to gain control back of your behavior but have a desire to, seek help.  There is no shame in asking for help.  It’s not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength.

Thanks for reading! ~Compassionately Inspired

Resources:

Cycle of Control/Abuse: 

http://www.sjsu.edu/spartansforsafety/healthyrelationships/overview/cycleofviolence/index.html