Trigger Warning: This post contains content of domestic abuse, violence, trauma, and suicide; and may be a trigger for some readers. Please take care of yourself as needed. If you need immediate support, help is always out there. Text "Home" to 741741 to be connected to a live crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line anytime.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. (However, I want to emphasize that this is an issue, like many others, that should not only be addressed for it's designated awareness month.) This is an issue that impacts millions of individuals, victims, and survivors Every. Single. Day.
If you've been following my page, you know that this is a topic that I'm a strong advocate for; not only as someone in the psychology field knowing the significant traumatic impacts these experiences leave on victims, but also witnessing it happen first-hand to someone I love dearly, and seeing the amount of people it affects.
To start, I want to begin by clarifying what domestic abuse and domestic violence is; because it's not nearly as simple as it might seem. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines domestic abuse as the following: "Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behaviors part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other." The biggest thing that I want to re-iterate and emphasize here is that domestic abuse and domestic violence is NOT just limited to physical or sexual violence or assault. While that is very much a part of it in many cases and those types should not be diminished, we must also not ignore the significance and prevalence of emotional abuse also. Too often, emotional abuse is unseen, invisible, covered up, and blatantly dismissed, even when it is out in the open. This dismissal and denial is leaving and has left so many victims in the dark, forced to deal with it on their own, brainwashed into feeling as if it is them who is the problem because so many won't believe or help them. This is no different than the stigmas that surround mental health and so many other very real concerns that need to be addressed. It's no surprise that any kind of abuse would evidently take an incredibly taxing and significant toll on one's mental health due to the traumatic and demoralizing nature of the experience.
Traumatic Impacts of Abuse:
Experiences of abuse can trigger intense feelings of: fear, anxiety, depression, hyper-arousal or hypervigilence, decreased self-esteem and sense of self-worth, thoughts of suicide as a means of escape, panic, among many more. This goes for any type of abuse, but especially emotional and verbal abuse. What has yet to be recognized to the extent that it truly needs to be, is that words are damaging. Words can very well be traumatic and elicit trauma responses (fear, explosion, panic, hypervigilence and others- as mentioned above). We must acknowledge that words, humiliation, verbal attacks, and so forth have no less power than that of a literal, physical double-edged sword through the heart. In fact, in situations of emotional abuse, you're faced with a world of trauma in which the mind in most cases must be re-trained in order to achieve the state it was before the abuse occurred, trust must work on being restored - after such trust was so unthinkably and profoundly broken, one must learn how to love not just others but more importantly, themselves, again; because their abuser likely crushed any self-love or self-worth they had. These are by no means easy tasks and many don't realize the severity of such implications. Victims are lead with the words their abusers said, the beatings, humiliation, violence, and much more that occurred; that replay in the victims mind. Add in if physical forms of abuse are also present, or, if the victim doesn't have potential protective factors such as social supports. Many abusers will even go as far to make sure the victims have no source of support, manipulate the victim's friends and families, make the outside believe the victim is crazy, and so forth. When we unpack the reality of domestic abuse and violence, especially the emotional piece, only then can we recognize the cry for help that many are seeking but yet aren't heard.
Traumatic impacts of abuse are not only in the presence of the abuser. Trauma from abuse can be triggered at any given moment. A sight, smell, word, environment. Any of these things can trigger unreal trauma for abuse. It take a person back to the moment of feeling like they're living in that moment of abuse right then and there. In turn, it can cause a person to fight, flight, or freeze as defense mechanisms. They either fight the trigger by exploding, lashing out, etc. unwillingly. Or, the person might flee from the scene as a means of escape. Finally, they might freeze in the moment with no clue what to do. These defenses are because the brain doesn't know any different. The brain perceives a
trauma trigger as life-threatening and so it needs to make a split
decision in attempt to save your life or put the protective defenses in
full gear. So the next time someone lashes out at you, seems to be "overreacting", etc. consider that it could be trauma. Even something as simple as a statement that was made out of well-intention, could have been something their abuser said when they were "in a good place". So, be kind always and never assume. They're not overreacting, they're protecting themselves and it's often not their fault.
Add in comments from the public such as: "Just leave them", "It's your fault for staying", "Just ignore it", "They're just words", "It's been years, just let it go already", "When are you going to move on?" If you have caught yourself saying these or similar phrases to an individual who may be confiding in you about domestic abuse or domestic violence; re-read the paragraph above. Also, know that it's not "that easy"; it's actually far from it. We're talking about a level of trauma that is so intense, that's far from simple. Trauma in and of itself is immensely complex that it has the potential re-wire the brain, such as the hyperadrenal pituitary axis) that is essentially a messaging system between the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal gland that is involved in regulating a whole slew of mechanisms in the body including the stress-response system, and even immune system which can thus lead to trauma impacting one's physical health as well. For an even more in-depth explanation of these topics, check out Nadine Burke Harris' TED talk on How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime. It's not just for children or childhood abuse, many of her points apply here to. If her talk doesn't clarify all of the above, I'm not sure what will!
Breaking Free/Divorce
Another myth about victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence is that they can just "break free" from and leave their abuser, that's it's their choice and the power is in their hands. This is also far from simple and not as easy as "just that".
Often times, when victims try to break free from (break up with, divorce, etc.) their abuser, the abuse often gets worse, threats are made, and it makes it feel near impossible to leave.
When a victim leaves, it leaves the abuser without the control and power that they so strongly thrive on and will, in some cases, go as far as to threaten one's life or the life of their loved ones if victims make any attempt to leave. When a victim is successful in getting free, the abuser will still often stop at nothing to make their lives miserable even after they've left. This is especially true in many cases of divorce and I've seen this occur with my own eyes. Many people report feelings of "I would have been better to stay in the abusive relationship or marriage because the abuse is far less than it is now", or, "Now that I left, they went after my children, I should of just stayed", "Now that I left, I'm never getting free." These are statements made by real people, real victims, real survivors.
To put this even more into perceptive and context, when the courts, lawyers, and/or legal systems are involved such as through getting divorce, PFA's, custody etc., this makes it even more complicated! If the abuser gets a lawyer who is also an abuser (which occurs more often than you might think), now you have a whole other storm. This time, the abuser isn't just attacking the victim ten-fold than they already were, they now have another person, a person of power at that now attacking the victim. If the victim has a lawyer, they're attacking the victim and the lawyer and the victim's lawyer gets shut down. Or, try getting a PFA for blatant abuse but not being taken seriously because your abuser already file a FALSE PFA against you and because "he did it first" even with zero facts/proof, he wins. Now, the victim has no protection. Starting to see where the complexities are coming in at? I've seen this occur with my own eyes and the impacts are absolutely disheartening. As if being abused by one person was not enough trauma for a victim, imagine the trauma of not getting a service you paid for because your abuser and their lawyer shut your lawyer down, or feeling a system that's meant to help you hurt you even more than you already were.
If you can relate or want to show support, please sign and share my petition to make abuse part of no-fault divorces to protect victims trying to break free.
This brings me to the cycle of domestic violence.
The Cycle:
The cycle of domestic violence was created by psychologist, Lenore Walker and is as follows. There are a different variations of the cycle but all follow the similar, repetitive cycle.
There are 4 phases of the cycle:
1. Phase 1 is the Tension-Building Phase. As the name implies, this is where tension starts to build, you can feel the tension building, feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, and having a sense that something is about to happen, leaving the victim to feel a sense of fear.
2. Phase 2 is the Incident/Explosion Phase. This is where the abuse comes out, whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, etc.
3. Phase 3 is the Reconciliation Phase. The abuser will apologize for the explosion and/or find a way to make excuses for why it occurred, or even blame the victim for it occurring.
4. Phase 4 is the Calm Phase (Also Known As the Honeymoon Phase): This phase is when all is well. The abuser showers the victim with love, gifts, affection, promises that they will "never do it again"... It's part of what makes the victim stay.
Then, the cycle begins all over again, numerous times, often on an endless loop in cases of domestic abuse. This is yet another reason that makes breaking free, or leaving so difficult.
If You're Struggling:
- Know you're not alone! There are so many victims out there struggling. While this may not help take the pain and impact away, know that you're not the only one.
- Know that there's nothing wrong with you. You did not ask for it. There is nothing you did to create it and it's not your fault.
- Your self-worth is more than what you were probably led to believe. You are not the person your abuser probably made you out to be.
- Help is always out there. If you're in crisis:
- Text "Home" to 741741 to be connected to a live crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line.
- Call, Chat or Text The National Domestic Abuse Hotline.
- Find your local domestic violence agency.
- Reach out for support if you can. You don't have to go through this alone. The right people will help you!
What Can We As A Society Do?
The answer is ALOT but really, it's so simple! The number one thing we MUST do before even moving forward is listen and BELIEVE VICTIMS.
Other steps you can take are:
- Listen, care, believe. Some victims don't have anyone to defend them. You can be that person. You might be the only person who does. It can be as simple as going with them to a domestic violence agency or to file a PFA, etc.
- Be an ally for victims. As with any cause, victims speaking up alone aren't enough. There needs to be non-victims speaking up as well for change to occur. Remember, domestic violence affects everyone because everyone knows someone.
- Advocate - share this post and other posts about domestic violence, attend events, show support.
- Educate yourself and others about domestic violence and the trauma is can cause. We need more awareness than effort.
- As mentioned above, if you want to join my mission to create change, please sign and share my petition to make abuse part of no-fault divorces to protect victims trying to break free.
Bottom Line:
Domestic abuse is real and so are it's significant, lasting traumatic impacts. See full list of "20 Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics" at Social Solutions. These statistics stand alone, but even more so in addition to all of the information and resources presented here.
Never underestimate the impacts of domestic abuse and never, ever downplay it. Help make change happen.
Every month we hear about an awareness month for (insert cause/condition/issue here). As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, while it's amazing that we're recognizing such important causes, it's also important that we recognize that awareness shouldn't stop just because an awareness month ends.
References Mentioned
Burke-Harris, N. (2014, September). How chilhood trauma affects health across a lifetime. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talk /nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime?language=en
National Domestic Violence Hotline. The Hotline. (2020, December 15). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://www.thehotline.org/.
NCADV: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The Nation's Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://ncadv.org/.
Text home to 741741 free, 24/7 crisis counseling. Crisis Text Line. (2021, September 1). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://www.crisistextline.org/
20 alarming domestic violence statistics. Social Solutions. (n.d.). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://www.socialsolutions.com/blog/domestic-violence-statistics/.
Additional Educational Resources
Brewster, S. (2006). Helping her get free: A guide for families and friends of abused women. Seal Press.
Courtois, C. A. (2020). It's not you, it's what happened to you: Complex trauma and treatment. Telemachus Press, LLC.
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