I recently had to write what is called a lossography for one of my classes, which is an essay about how one's experiences of loss and death shape one’s beliefs and values towards death, loss, grief, etc. In my writing process of that essay, I was inspired to share parts of my essay here especially with loss and grief affecting so many more and more these days.
If you have been following me, you know that loss is something that has been quite prominent in my life; but also, that it's my mission through Compassionately Inspired and my career to turn my negative experiences, including my experiences of loss, into positive hope and inspiration for others.
The thing with loss is that it can be one of the most painful of experiences in our lives, but it can also be those particular experiences where you learn the most lessons and develop the greatest strength. To put it into perspective, I'll share with you some of my own experiences with loss below.
Some of the greatest losses I've had to endure include the loss of loved ones due to death, loss of relationships due to broken trust and toxicity, and loss of health. These experiences of loss combined, reaffirmed my previously held attitudes and beliefs towards death that while loss is incredibly painful, it is a part of life. Additionally, my experiences with loss have allowed me to gain new perspectives and beliefs about death such as carrying on one’s legacy, reminiscing on the life one lived, and celebrating the good moments while allowing the hard moments to come as they need to. The thing is, death and loss are sensitive topics for a lot of people, myself included. It is not always easy for me to accept loss or death right away; it often takes a lot of reflection and processing. However, what I have come to believe as a result of my experiences is without loss, there is no life. Without pain, there is no love or value. Without these difficult experiences of loss, strength cannot develop. Loss has undoubtedly knocked me down at times, but it also gave me perspectives I could have never gained otherwise, such as those mentioned above.
My first prominent experience of loss is when my grandfather passed away in 2009 when I just about 10 years old. He and my grandmother were “my rocks” right alongside my mom. Growing up with multiple medical challenges, they were my biggest supporters. More recently, in February of 2020, my grandmother passed. These two experiences have influenced my attitudes and beliefs about death in multiple ways. While the pain of the loss of these two amazing people were and are immeasurable, I know also that they lived amazing lives, and their legacies will forever live on. They impacted everyone that crossed their path in most positive ways, and have been a driving force to get me where I am today. Their loss, while painful, taught me what it means to love something so much that makes saying goodbye so hard; and that the severity of the pain is only a reflection of how great our love was.
Another primary experience of loss was in 2015. In 2015, my health started to decline. To this day, it continues to do so. While not something that is life-threatening, it’s a loss to say the least. Each day I experience a different host of symptoms, never knowing what the next day will bring or even why they are occurring. I have good days, and I have bad days. It has greatly affected my life in terms of what I was able to do before I got sick to what I am able to do today. While I have committed myself to pushing through and being determined to fight every obstacle that comes my way, it’s not without its challenges and losses. There is no true name to my symptoms or sickness as it is still being investigated. However, what we do know at this point in time is that there is an underlying autoimmune condition and chronic anemia; both of which are life-long and will always be unpredictable. With that being said, the loss of not being the ball of energy that I once was, has played a role in my attitudes towards loss. While incredibly frustrating at times, it has also showed me just how strong I am when I am able to fight through on my worst days. Had I not been faced with these challenges; I would not have stumbled upon my strength. Challenges in general, produce strength; but challenges of loss produce a unique type of strength. Each challenge and each loss you face will strengthen you, even when it feels the complete opposite.
Other losses I have experienced that also heavily influenced my perspectives of loss include the loss of relationships, and trust. There is no doubt that essentially everyone in life endures loss of relationships, and trust to some capacity. However, I have chosen to include it here because I believe it plays such a primal role in my attitudes and beliefs towards loss in more ways than not. In fact, it was these particular experiences above all others, that made me realize that loss is sometimes necessary. Throughout my life, I have had numerous people who I thought were friends or family betray my trust mentally. It took quite a few years to realize that I had to lose these people to be and love myself. However, the loss of relationships and trust that I have experienced made me realize who I really could trust, my mom and my grandparents. Additionally, it made me realize my worth; because I was worth more than the way I was treated by people in those toxic relationships. It took being a psychology major and realizing the impact that toxic people and toxic relationships can have to truly reach this breakthrough in my life. The loss of these people was necessary to get my life back, and to take control of my own life. It was necessary to become more grateful and closer to the three main supportive people I had/have in my life. Had I not experienced this specific loss, I would not know who I am or my worth.
Everyone has different values, beliefs, customs, and attitudes towards death, loss, and dying. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach or belief. People come from a variety of different backgrounds and cultures; as well as experiences that influence their thoughts, actions, and behaviors. For me specifically, it has taken loss of multiple forms to be grateful for what I have, to grow stronger, wiser, and gain new perspectives. Some people may uphold other beliefs such as the examples provided in the assignment about ground burial or the customs and traditions we have been learning about this semester. For me, it is more abstract and personal.
My experiences with death and loss as described in detail above, reaffirm these values and beliefs. One recent example of such practices is we decided to keep our Christmas tree up all year round and decorate it for each holiday in remembrance of my grandparents, since they loved holidays and decorating. That may sound strange or different from traditional rituals but it is simply a different way of remembering and coping that is unique to us and our own experiences. Another example we do often is sending balloons up to the sky on my grandparents’ Birthdays, holidays, etc. Death and loss is hard to say the least and can sometimes feel impossible, but it’s all about finding what works for you to make the process just a little bit easier.
In conclusion, as I mentioned above, there is really no one size fits all system that shapes our attitudes and beliefs. I believe that everyone can have their own unique belief system, values, and rituals that are unique to them and their unique experiences. Some people’s belief systems and attitudes towards death and dying stem from their culture, others stem from experiences, and so forth. All in all, my personal beliefs and attitudes towards death are shaped not only by my experiences but also by the love my late grandparents who have significantly instilled within me to carry on their legacy, and tackle any experience of loss, death, or otherwise that comes my way. If you’re struggling, know that someone hears you and wherever you’re at in this process, there’s no need to rush. Everyone goes through grief and loss differently and there is no timeline or end date. Grief is ongoing. It will come and go. It will hurt but at the end of the day that immense hurt and pain is also a symbol of immense love.
~Compassionately Inspired
(Parts of my personal essay are included in this blog post - COPYING PROHIBITED, NOT FOR ACADEMIC USE.– For sharing, please include link and Compassionately Inspired).
