Domestic Abuse Awareness: Not Just For the Month of October

 

Trigger Warning: This post contains content of domestic abuse, violence, trauma, and suicide; and may be a trigger for some readers. Please take care of yourself as needed. If you need immediate support, help is always out there. Text "Home" to 741741 to be connected to a live crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line anytime.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. (However, I want to emphasize that this is an issue, like many others, that should not only be addressed for it's designated awareness month.) This is an issue that impacts millions of individuals, victims, and survivors Every. Single. Day. 

If you've been following my page, you know that this is a topic that I'm a strong advocate for; not only as someone in the psychology field knowing the significant traumatic impacts these experiences leave on victims, but also witnessing it happen first-hand to someone I love dearly, and seeing the amount of people it affects. 

To start, I want to begin by clarifying what domestic abuse and domestic violence is; because it's not nearly as simple as it might seem. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines domestic abuse as the following: "Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behaviors part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, psychological violence, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically; however, the one constant component of domestic violence is one partner’s consistent efforts to maintain power and control over the other." The biggest thing that I want to re-iterate and emphasize here is that domestic abuse and domestic violence is NOT just limited to physical or sexual violence or assault. While that is very much a part of it in many cases and those types should not be diminished, we must also not ignore the significance and prevalence of emotional abuse also. Too often, emotional abuse is unseen, invisible, covered up, and blatantly dismissed, even when it is out in the open. This dismissal and denial is leaving and has left so many victims in the dark, forced to deal with it on their own, brainwashed into feeling as if it is them who is the problem because so many won't believe or help them. This is no different than the stigmas that surround mental health and so many other very real concerns that need to be addressed. It's no surprise that any kind of abuse would evidently take an incredibly taxing and significant toll on one's mental health due to the traumatic and demoralizing nature of the experience. 

Traumatic Impacts of Abuse:

Experiences of abuse can trigger intense feelings of: fear, anxiety, depression, hyper-arousal or hypervigilence, decreased self-esteem and sense of self-worth, thoughts of suicide as a means of escape, panic, among many more. This goes for any type of abuse, but especially emotional and verbal abuse. What has yet to be recognized to the extent that it truly needs to be, is that words are damaging. Words can very well be traumatic and elicit trauma responses (fear, explosion, panic, hypervigilence and others- as mentioned above). We must acknowledge that words, humiliation, verbal attacks, and so forth have no less power than that of a literal, physical double-edged sword through the heart. In fact, in situations of emotional abuse, you're faced with a world of trauma in which the mind in most cases must be re-trained in order to achieve the state it was before the abuse occurred, trust must work on being restored - after such trust was so unthinkably and profoundly broken, one must learn how to love not just others but more importantly, themselves, again; because their abuser likely crushed any self-love or self-worth they had. These are by no means easy tasks and many don't realize the severity of such implications. Victims are lead with the words their abusers said, the beatings, humiliation, violence, and much more that occurred; that replay in the victims mind.  Add in if physical forms of abuse are also present, or, if the victim doesn't have potential protective factors such as social supports. Many abusers will even go as far to make sure the victims have no source of support, manipulate the victim's friends and families, make the outside believe the victim is crazy, and so forth. When we unpack the reality of domestic abuse and violence, especially the emotional piece, only then can we recognize the cry for help that many are seeking but yet aren't heard. 

Traumatic impacts of abuse are not only in the presence of the abuser. Trauma from abuse can be triggered at any given moment. A sight, smell, word, environment. Any of these things can trigger unreal trauma for abuse. It take a person back to the moment of feeling like they're living in that moment of abuse right then and there. In turn, it can cause a person to fight, flight, or freeze as defense mechanisms. They either fight the trigger by exploding, lashing out, etc. unwillingly. Or, the person might flee from the scene as a means of escape. Finally, they might freeze in the moment with no clue what to do. These defenses are because the brain doesn't know any different. The brain perceives a trauma trigger as life-threatening and so it needs to make a split decision in attempt to save your life or put the protective defenses in full gear. So the next time someone lashes out at you, seems to be "overreacting", etc. consider that it could be trauma. Even something as simple as a statement that was made out of well-intention, could have been something their abuser said when they were "in a good place". So, be kind always and never assume. They're not overreacting, they're protecting themselves and it's often not their fault.

Add in comments from the public such as: "Just leave them", "It's your fault for staying", "Just ignore it", "They're just words", "It's been years, just let it go already", "When are you going to move on?" If you have caught yourself saying these or similar phrases to an individual who may be confiding in you about domestic abuse or domestic violence; re-read the paragraph above. Also, know that it's not "that easy"; it's actually far from it. We're talking about a level of trauma that is so intense, that's far from simple. Trauma in and of itself is immensely complex that it has the potential re-wire the brain, such as the hyperadrenal pituitary axis) that is essentially a messaging system between the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal gland that is involved in regulating a whole slew of mechanisms in the body including the stress-response system, and even immune system which can thus lead to trauma impacting one's physical health as well. For an even more in-depth explanation of these topics, check out Nadine Burke Harris' TED talk on How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime. It's not just for children or childhood abuse, many of her points apply here to. If her talk doesn't clarify all of the above, I'm not sure what will!   

Breaking Free/Divorce

Another myth about victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence is that they can just "break free" from and leave their abuser, that's it's their choice and the power is in their hands. This is also far from simple and not as easy as "just that".

Often times, when victims try to break free from (break up with, divorce, etc.) their abuser, the abuse often gets worse, threats are made, and it makes it feel near impossible to leave. 

When a victim leaves, it leaves the abuser without the control and power that they so strongly thrive on and will, in some cases, go as far as to threaten one's life or the life of their loved ones if victims make any attempt to leave. When a victim is successful in getting free, the abuser will still often stop at nothing to make their lives miserable even after they've left. This is especially true in many cases of divorce and I've seen this occur with my own eyes. Many people report feelings of "I would have been better to stay in the abusive relationship or marriage because the abuse is far less than it is now", or, "Now that I left, they went after my children, I should of just stayed", "Now that I left, I'm never getting free." These are statements made by real people, real victims, real survivors. 

To put this even more into perceptive and context, when the courts, lawyers, and/or legal systems are involved such as through getting divorce, PFA's, custody etc., this makes it even more complicated! If the abuser gets a lawyer who is also an abuser (which occurs more often than you might think), now you have a whole other storm. This time, the abuser isn't just attacking the victim ten-fold than they already were, they now have another person, a person of power at that now attacking the victim. If the victim has a lawyer, they're attacking the victim and the lawyer and the victim's lawyer gets shut down. Or, try getting a PFA for blatant abuse but not being taken seriously because your abuser already file a FALSE PFA against you and because "he did it first" even with zero facts/proof, he wins. Now, the victim has no protection. Starting to see where the complexities are coming in at? I've seen this occur with my own eyes and the impacts are absolutely disheartening.  As if being abused by one person was not enough trauma for a victim, imagine the trauma of not getting a service you paid for because your abuser and their lawyer shut your lawyer down, or feeling a system that's meant to help you hurt you even more than you already were. 

If you can relate or want to show support, please sign and share my petition to make abuse part of no-fault divorces to protect victims trying to break free. 

This brings me to the cycle of domestic violence. 

The Cycle: 

The cycle of domestic violence was created by psychologist, Lenore Walker and is as follows. There are a different variations of the cycle but all follow the similar, repetitive cycle.

There are 4 phases of the cycle: 

1. Phase 1 is the Tension-Building Phase. As the name implies, this is where tension starts to build, you can feel the tension building, feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, and having a sense that something is about to happen, leaving the victim to feel a sense of fear. 

2. Phase 2 is the Incident/Explosion Phase. This is where the abuse comes out, whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, etc. 

3. Phase 3 is the Reconciliation Phase.  The abuser will apologize for the explosion and/or find a way to make excuses for why it occurred, or even blame the victim for it occurring.

4. Phase 4 is the Calm Phase (Also Known As the Honeymoon Phase): This phase is when all is well. The abuser showers the victim with love, gifts, affection, promises that they will "never do it again"... It's part of what makes the victim stay.

Then, the cycle begins all over again, numerous times, often on an endless loop in cases of domestic abuse. This is yet another reason that makes breaking free, or leaving so difficult. 

If You're Struggling: 

• Know you're not alone! There are so many victims out there struggling. While this may not help take the pain and impact away, know that you're not the only one. 
• Know that there's nothing wrong with you. You did not ask for it. There is nothing you did to create it and it's not your fault. 
• Your self-worth is more than what you were probably led to believe. You are not the person your abuser probably made you out to be. 
• Help is always out there. If you're in crisis: 
• Text "Home" to 741741 to be connected to a live crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line. 
• Call, Chat or Text The National Domestic Abuse Hotline. 
• Find your local domestic violence agency. 
• Reach out for support if you can. You don't have to go through this alone. The right people will help you! 

What Can We As A Society Do? 

The answer is ALOT but really, it's so simple! The number one thing we MUST do before even moving forward is listen and BELIEVE VICTIMS. 

Other steps you can take are: 

• Listen, care, believe. Some victims don't have anyone to defend them. You can be that person. You might be the only person who does. It can be as simple as going with them to a domestic violence agency or to file a PFA, etc.
  
• Be an ally for victims. As with any cause, victims speaking up alone aren't enough. There needs to be non-victims speaking up as well for change to occur. Remember, domestic violence affects everyone because everyone knows someone.
  
• Advocate - share this post and other posts about domestic violence, attend events, show support.
  
• Educate yourself and others about domestic violence and the trauma is can cause. We need more awareness than effort. 
• As mentioned above, if you want to join my mission to create change, please sign and share my petition to make abuse part of no-fault divorces to protect victims trying to break free. 
  

Bottom Line:  

Domestic abuse is real and so are it's significant, lasting traumatic impacts. See full list of "20 Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics" at Social Solutions. These statistics stand alone, but even more so in addition to all of the information and resources presented here. 

Never underestimate the impacts of domestic abuse and never, ever downplay it. Help make change happen.

Every month we hear about an awareness month for (insert cause/condition/issue here). As I mentioned in the beginning of this article, while it's amazing that we're recognizing such important causes, it's also important that we recognize that awareness shouldn't stop just because an awareness month ends. 

References Mentioned

Burke-Harris, N. (2014, September). How chilhood trauma affects health across a lifetime. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talk /nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime?language=en 

National Domestic Violence Hotline. The Hotline. (2020, December 15). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://www.thehotline.org/.

NCADV: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The Nation's Leading Grassroots Voice on Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://ncadv.org/. 

Text home to 741741 free, 24/7 crisis counseling. Crisis Text Line. (2021, September 1). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://www.crisistextline.org/ 

20 alarming domestic violence statistics. Social Solutions. (n.d.). Retrieved October 12, 2021, from https://www.socialsolutions.com/blog/domestic-violence-statistics/.

 Additional Educational Resources

Brewster, S. (2006).  Helping her get free: A guide for families and friends of abused women. Seal Press.

 Courtois, C. A. (2020). It's not you, it's what happened to you: Complex trauma and treatment. ‎ Telemachus Press, LLC.

Milestones Without Loved Ones

 

 

As I get closer and closer to the day I walk across the stage and get my bachelor’s degree, the realization that two of the most special people in my life won’t be there and quite frankly, it only hits me harder as the day gets closer. I realize this article is coming at a time where many may be experiencing the same struggles given the COVID-19 pandemic, guest restrictions, or even the loss of loved ones during this time and for those who may be experiencing similar struggles, know that my heart is with you during this challenging time.

 

Loss is never easy, no matter the circumstance; and the grief comes and goes in waves. You have good days and bad days, that’s all apart of grief. However, there are certain moments where you realize that some things will just never be the same. Ways of doing things, traditions, norms, activities, etc. may change. We adapt; we find ways to carry their legacies and move forward with their loss.  However, there are certain moments such as big milestones or big events that just hit you. You adapt to this new way of living without a loved one’s physical presence but then that one thing happens that you run to pick up the phone to call them to realize you can’t, or a big moment lies ahead and you realize the main person or people that would normally be at the top of your guest list aren’t anymore.

 

I shed light on these moments because it’s one I’ve been living quite heavily with the past few months. As you may be aware if you’ve seen my previous blog posts, I lost my grandfather on December 26^th, 2009 when I was just about 10 years old. Although I was young, the bond we shared was undeniable and I still had such memorable moments that I will never forget. For instance, on my 12^th Birthday, he was so sick yet somehow some way he was not missing it; he showed up and to this day, it’s the best Birthday gift I’ve ever gotten. Nothing can beat the undeniable gift and love of someone showing up for you and that is why him, my grandmother, and my mom are the most amazing people in my life; they have all been there since day one. After the loss of my grandfather in 2009, trust me, it hit hard but at the same time our prime focus was my grandmom and helping her through it, being there for her, and enjoying every moment we had with her just as we did him. Both of my grandparents were my people right alongside my mom; through every medical challenge, roadblock, barrier, you name it but one thing is for sure; none of them stopped believing. No matter what, one was always there, I was fortunate to never be without unconditional love and support between the three of them. We were an inseparable team often referred to as “Determined Danni’s Supporters” because that is just what they were, my supporters beyond belief. Then, suddenly on February 1^st, 2020, my grandmother left us as well. When my grandmom passed after my grandfather, that was the day I lost two of the biggest parts of my team. I am so beyond fortunate to still have my amazing mother here today. However, after my grandfather passed, my grandmother was my go-to, our team of four became a team of 3. However, there is so much more to that. The smallest of things brought her the most unreal joy that cannot begin to be expressed by words, especially milestones. She lived for the Birthdays, holidays, graduations, celebrations no matter how big or small. Next to my mom, she was always the first update, the first phone call, the first one in the crowd, the first know, the first hug. In addition to always showing up, and always providing that unconditional support, etc. she lived for the moments my grandfather was not able to. From the minute I was born until this very day, they believed in me when I did not believe in myself, instilled that there is nothing I cannot do and can beat any odd or obstacle that comes my way.

I now get ready to graduate in just a few short days, and two of the main people that got me there won’t be in the audience; I won’t see their smiling faces or run up to give them the biggest hug afterwards. My grandmom especially talked daily about how she could not wait for this day with the utmost elation and excitement on her face and in her voice. However, I am still beyond fortunate to have my amazing mother who will be there, who was shaped by these two amazing people who is by far the best mother a daughter can ask for who is just as much a part, if not more in what has led me to this point today and for that, I’m forever grateful.

 

While this may not be a traditional blog post, I wanted to use this space an open letter to my grandparents who may not be here physically, but I know will be watching from above:

 

To the two people that not only raised the most amazing mother, but have been by my side through it all,

 

I so wish you were here beyond what words can express. You are such a driving force in how this milestone is possible along with my mother; it was the 4 of us from the start. Together we made the strongest team I know. Without you, my story and everything leading up to this milestone I’m about to embark upon would be incomplete. I hope to use this milestone to live and carry on your most inspiring legacies.  

 

You lived for the milestones. Your faces lit up in ways that brightened up the entire room. There was no smile like the both of yours and no words that can truly encapsulate it. It has been a rough year; not being able to call you after every interview, presentation, or accomplishment and hear that utmost excitement in your voice that was like no other. You were the first update no matter what it was. I would say “oh stop, it’s no big deal” but even the smallest of things would be the biggest of deals to you. They say there is no greater feeling in the world than seeing your kids smiling and happy. I am sure that’s true (though I’m not a parent), but for me, there’s no greater feeling than seeing my grandparents and my mother smiling and happy. There are no words to describe the greatness of that feeling, of knowing that you made the people in your life who matter the most, who you look up to, who are your world, proud. I am beyond lucky to have had amazing grandparents and have an amazing mother who never cease to show me that utmost love and support in all that I do, especially as you all are the people who got me there.

 

I may not always know exactly how to go on without you somedays, though I know you would want me to. So, while I will not simply “go on”, I will go forward; and I will go forward with the lessons you taught me in my youngest of years and will keep you with me and in my heart every day. Your memories, the people you were, and your legacies you left behind I will forever hold in my heart and carry on with as I embark toward this next chapter in my life.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your (Not so) “Little Girl”.

 

In closing, if this blog post resonates with you in anyway, I hear you and you are not alone. I know the moments of grief can feel the loneliest even when you are in fact surrounded by unconditional love and support. Know that you do not have to “move on” from the loss you may be enduring but can certainly move forward with it in a way that is meaningful to you. You can find ways to carry on their legacies and hold them in your heart, just as I will do on my graduation day and every day with my own special ways of remembering them and making it feel like they are there. Surely it will never be the same but even when distance has you apart, you can always be close in heart. Explore. Find what works for you; carry pictures, think of creative ways that remind you that no matter what they are still forever with you. Just because you may not be able to see them physically, does not mean you cannot feel them in your heart. Sometimes all it takes is one picture, one object, one symbol that reminds you of them to let you know that no matter how far apart they may be, you are never truly alone.

~Compassionately Inspired

Loss and Grief: How Loss Has Broken My Heart But Strengthened My Resilience

 

 I recently had to write what is called a lossography for one of my classes, which is an essay about how one's experiences of loss and death shape one’s beliefs and values towards death, loss, grief, etc. In my writing process of that essay, I was inspired to share parts of my essay here especially with loss and grief affecting so many more and more these days.  

If you have been following me, you know that loss is something that has been quite prominent in my life; but also, that it's my mission through Compassionately Inspired and my career to turn my negative experiences, including my experiences of loss, into positive hope and inspiration for others. 

The thing with loss is that it can be one of the most painful of experiences in our lives, but it can also be those particular experiences where you learn the most lessons and develop the greatest strength. To put it into perspective, I'll share with you some of my own experiences with loss below.

 Some of the greatest losses I've had to endure include the loss of loved ones due to death, loss of relationships due to broken trust and toxicity, and loss of health.  These experiences of loss combined, reaffirmed my previously held attitudes and beliefs towards death that while loss is incredibly painful, it is a part of life.  Additionally, my experiences with loss have allowed me to gain new perspectives and beliefs about death such as carrying on one’s legacy, reminiscing on the life one lived, and celebrating the good moments while allowing the hard moments to come as they need to.  The thing is, death and loss are sensitive topics for a lot of people, myself included.  It is not always easy for me to accept loss or death right away; it often takes a lot of reflection and processing.  However, what I have come to believe as a result of my experiences is without loss, there is no life.  Without pain, there is no love or value.  Without these difficult experiences of loss, strength cannot develop.  Loss has undoubtedly knocked me down at times, but it also gave me perspectives I could have never gained otherwise, such as those mentioned above.

 My first prominent experience of loss is when my grandfather passed away in 2009 when I just about 10 years old.  He and my grandmother were “my rocks” right alongside my mom.  Growing up with multiple medical challenges, they were my biggest supporters.  More recently, in February of 2020, my grandmother passed.  These two experiences have influenced my attitudes and beliefs about death in multiple ways.  While the pain of the loss of these two amazing people were and are immeasurable, I know also that they lived amazing lives, and their legacies will forever live on. They impacted everyone that crossed their path in most positive ways, and have been a driving force to get me where I am today. Their loss, while painful, taught me what it means to love something so much that makes saying goodbye so hard; and that the severity of the pain is only a reflection of how great our love was.

 Another primary experience of loss was in 2015.  In 2015, my health started to decline.  To this day, it continues to do so.  While not something that is life-threatening, it’s a loss to say the least.  Each day I experience a different host of symptoms, never knowing what the next day will bring or even why they are occurring.  I have good days, and I have bad days.  It has greatly affected my life in terms of what I was able to do before I got sick to what I am able to do today.  While I have committed myself to pushing through and being determined to fight every obstacle that comes my way, it’s not without its challenges and losses.  There is no true name to my symptoms or sickness as it is still being investigated.  However, what we do know at this point in time is that there is an underlying autoimmune condition and chronic anemia; both of which are life-long and will always be unpredictable.  With that being said, the loss of not being the ball of energy that I once was, has played a role in my attitudes towards loss.  While incredibly frustrating at times, it has also showed me just how strong I am when I am able to fight through on my worst days.  Had I not been faced with these challenges; I would not have stumbled upon my strength. Challenges in general, produce strength; but challenges of loss produce a unique type of strength. Each challenge and each loss you face will strengthen you, even when it feels the complete opposite.

 Other losses I have experienced that also heavily influenced my perspectives of loss include the loss of relationships, and trust.  There is no doubt that essentially everyone in life endures loss of relationships, and trust to some capacity.  However, I have chosen to include it here because I believe it plays such a primal role in my attitudes and beliefs towards loss in more ways than not.  In fact, it was these particular experiences above all others, that made me realize that loss is sometimes necessary.  Throughout my life, I have had numerous people who I thought were friends or family betray my trust mentally.  It took quite a few years to realize that I had to lose these people to be and love myself.  However, the loss of relationships and trust that I have experienced made me realize who I really could trust, my mom and my grandparents.  Additionally, it made me realize my worth; because I was worth more than the way I was treated by people in those toxic relationships.  It took being a psychology major and realizing the impact that toxic people and toxic relationships can have to truly reach this breakthrough in my life.  The loss of these people was necessary to get my life back, and to take control of my own life.  It was necessary to become more grateful and closer to the three main supportive people I had/have in my life.  Had I not experienced this specific loss, I would not know who I am or my worth.

 Everyone has different values, beliefs, customs, and attitudes towards death, loss, and dying.  There’s no one-size-fits-all approach or belief.  People come from a variety of different backgrounds and cultures; as well as experiences that influence their thoughts, actions, and behaviors.  For me specifically, it has taken loss of multiple forms to be grateful for what I have, to grow stronger, wiser, and gain new perspectives.  Some people may uphold other beliefs such as the examples provided in the assignment about ground burial or the customs and traditions we have been learning about this semester.  For me, it is more abstract and personal. 

 My experiences with death and loss as described in detail above, reaffirm these values and beliefs.  One recent example of such practices is we decided to keep our Christmas tree up all year round and decorate it for each holiday in remembrance of my grandparents, since they loved holidays and decorating. That may sound strange or different from traditional rituals but it is simply a different way of remembering and coping that is unique to us and our own experiences.  Another example we do often is sending balloons up to the sky on my grandparents’ Birthdays, holidays, etc. Death and loss is hard to say the least and can sometimes feel impossible, but it’s all about finding what works for you to make the process just a little bit easier.

 In conclusion, as I mentioned above, there is really no one size fits all system that shapes our attitudes and beliefs.  I believe that everyone can have their own unique belief system, values, and rituals that are unique to them and their unique experiences.  Some people’s belief systems and attitudes towards death and dying stem from their culture, others stem from experiences, and so forth.  All in all, my personal beliefs and attitudes towards death are shaped not only by my experiences but also by the love my late grandparents who have significantly instilled within me to carry on their legacy, and tackle any experience of loss, death, or otherwise that comes my way. If you’re struggling, know that someone hears you and wherever you’re at in this process, there’s no need to rush. Everyone goes through grief and loss differently and there is no timeline or end date. Grief is ongoing. It will come and go. It will hurt but at the end of the day that immense hurt and pain is also a symbol of immense love.

~Compassionately Inspired

(Parts of my personal essay are included in this blog post - COPYING PROHIBITED, NOT FOR ACADEMIC USE.– For sharing, please include link and Compassionately Inspired).