Milestones Without Loved Ones

 

 

As I get closer and closer to the day I walk across the stage and get my bachelor’s degree, the realization that two of the most special people in my life won’t be there and quite frankly, it only hits me harder as the day gets closer. I realize this article is coming at a time where many may be experiencing the same struggles given the COVID-19 pandemic, guest restrictions, or even the loss of loved ones during this time and for those who may be experiencing similar struggles, know that my heart is with you during this challenging time.

 

Loss is never easy, no matter the circumstance; and the grief comes and goes in waves. You have good days and bad days, that’s all apart of grief. However, there are certain moments where you realize that some things will just never be the same. Ways of doing things, traditions, norms, activities, etc. may change. We adapt; we find ways to carry their legacies and move forward with their loss.  However, there are certain moments such as big milestones or big events that just hit you. You adapt to this new way of living without a loved one’s physical presence but then that one thing happens that you run to pick up the phone to call them to realize you can’t, or a big moment lies ahead and you realize the main person or people that would normally be at the top of your guest list aren’t anymore.

 

I shed light on these moments because it’s one I’ve been living quite heavily with the past few months. As you may be aware if you’ve seen my previous blog posts, I lost my grandfather on December 26^th, 2009 when I was just about 10 years old. Although I was young, the bond we shared was undeniable and I still had such memorable moments that I will never forget. For instance, on my 12^th Birthday, he was so sick yet somehow some way he was not missing it; he showed up and to this day, it’s the best Birthday gift I’ve ever gotten. Nothing can beat the undeniable gift and love of someone showing up for you and that is why him, my grandmother, and my mom are the most amazing people in my life; they have all been there since day one. After the loss of my grandfather in 2009, trust me, it hit hard but at the same time our prime focus was my grandmom and helping her through it, being there for her, and enjoying every moment we had with her just as we did him. Both of my grandparents were my people right alongside my mom; through every medical challenge, roadblock, barrier, you name it but one thing is for sure; none of them stopped believing. No matter what, one was always there, I was fortunate to never be without unconditional love and support between the three of them. We were an inseparable team often referred to as “Determined Danni’s Supporters” because that is just what they were, my supporters beyond belief. Then, suddenly on February 1^st, 2020, my grandmother left us as well. When my grandmom passed after my grandfather, that was the day I lost two of the biggest parts of my team. I am so beyond fortunate to still have my amazing mother here today. However, after my grandfather passed, my grandmother was my go-to, our team of four became a team of 3. However, there is so much more to that. The smallest of things brought her the most unreal joy that cannot begin to be expressed by words, especially milestones. She lived for the Birthdays, holidays, graduations, celebrations no matter how big or small. Next to my mom, she was always the first update, the first phone call, the first one in the crowd, the first know, the first hug. In addition to always showing up, and always providing that unconditional support, etc. she lived for the moments my grandfather was not able to. From the minute I was born until this very day, they believed in me when I did not believe in myself, instilled that there is nothing I cannot do and can beat any odd or obstacle that comes my way.

I now get ready to graduate in just a few short days, and two of the main people that got me there won’t be in the audience; I won’t see their smiling faces or run up to give them the biggest hug afterwards. My grandmom especially talked daily about how she could not wait for this day with the utmost elation and excitement on her face and in her voice. However, I am still beyond fortunate to have my amazing mother who will be there, who was shaped by these two amazing people who is by far the best mother a daughter can ask for who is just as much a part, if not more in what has led me to this point today and for that, I’m forever grateful.

 

While this may not be a traditional blog post, I wanted to use this space an open letter to my grandparents who may not be here physically, but I know will be watching from above:

 

To the two people that not only raised the most amazing mother, but have been by my side through it all,

 

I so wish you were here beyond what words can express. You are such a driving force in how this milestone is possible along with my mother; it was the 4 of us from the start. Together we made the strongest team I know. Without you, my story and everything leading up to this milestone I’m about to embark upon would be incomplete. I hope to use this milestone to live and carry on your most inspiring legacies.  

 

You lived for the milestones. Your faces lit up in ways that brightened up the entire room. There was no smile like the both of yours and no words that can truly encapsulate it. It has been a rough year; not being able to call you after every interview, presentation, or accomplishment and hear that utmost excitement in your voice that was like no other. You were the first update no matter what it was. I would say “oh stop, it’s no big deal” but even the smallest of things would be the biggest of deals to you. They say there is no greater feeling in the world than seeing your kids smiling and happy. I am sure that’s true (though I’m not a parent), but for me, there’s no greater feeling than seeing my grandparents and my mother smiling and happy. There are no words to describe the greatness of that feeling, of knowing that you made the people in your life who matter the most, who you look up to, who are your world, proud. I am beyond lucky to have had amazing grandparents and have an amazing mother who never cease to show me that utmost love and support in all that I do, especially as you all are the people who got me there.

 

I may not always know exactly how to go on without you somedays, though I know you would want me to. So, while I will not simply “go on”, I will go forward; and I will go forward with the lessons you taught me in my youngest of years and will keep you with me and in my heart every day. Your memories, the people you were, and your legacies you left behind I will forever hold in my heart and carry on with as I embark toward this next chapter in my life.

 

Sincerely,

 

Your (Not so) “Little Girl”.

 

In closing, if this blog post resonates with you in anyway, I hear you and you are not alone. I know the moments of grief can feel the loneliest even when you are in fact surrounded by unconditional love and support. Know that you do not have to “move on” from the loss you may be enduring but can certainly move forward with it in a way that is meaningful to you. You can find ways to carry on their legacies and hold them in your heart, just as I will do on my graduation day and every day with my own special ways of remembering them and making it feel like they are there. Surely it will never be the same but even when distance has you apart, you can always be close in heart. Explore. Find what works for you; carry pictures, think of creative ways that remind you that no matter what they are still forever with you. Just because you may not be able to see them physically, does not mean you cannot feel them in your heart. Sometimes all it takes is one picture, one object, one symbol that reminds you of them to let you know that no matter how far apart they may be, you are never truly alone.

~Compassionately Inspired