Abuse and control are two concepts that are not as widely discussed as they should be. It’s also often very widely misunderstood on a number of levels and it’s time to shed some light on such an important matter.
Non-stop lies, consistent blame, threats (direct and/or indirect), physical abuse, hurtful words/name-calling, manipulation, brainwashing. Any of this sound familiar? These are just warning signs. If any of this does sound familiar to you, read on to know that you deserve so much better. If none of this sounds familiar to you, I encourage you to read on also because chances are you know someone who may be experiencing it.
Abuse and control may not be so obvious especially since many associate abuse with simply physical harm. However, there’s so much more to it than that. In fact, verbal abuse and control can actually take a greater toll on an individual and cause more pain than physical abuse ever can. That’s not to say physical abuse is any less by any means but I’m just highlighting the importance of this other type of abuse and control that’s equally important but often forgotten.
It can come in so many forms such as the signs listed above. If you feel like someone is taking control over you, lying to you on a consistent basis, controlling and jeopardizing your relationships with friends and family, blaming you for their actions and playing victim, twisting words/putting words in your mouth, continue reading. All of these things are pure controlling behavior and hear me when I say you deserve way better than this. No one, I repeat, no one deserves that much power over you. I know that if you’re in this situation, it can be hard to believe this. Maybe you’re at the point where this person got in your head and truly made you believe that it’s all you. Maybe they convinced you that you’re the one who’s at fault for everything. But I’m here to tell you that’s the farthest thing from the truth. No, I don’t know you, but what I do know is controlling behavior; Not only professionally as a psychology major and crisis counselor, but also from personal experience.
Pretty much my entire life growing up, I witnessed control and abuse; mostly verbally towards someone i’m very close to. As a kid, I knew something seemed wrong but I wouldn’t have considered it as control and abuse. I just thought this person was “being mean”. However, as you grow older you start to realize these things and it wasn’t until I started studying psychology in high school and college until the concept of control and abuse really became clear to me when I learned about it in my classes. Something clicked. I remember one day so clearly sitting in class learning about the cycle of abuse and control that you can see pictured below. I sat there and the exact thought that came through my mind was “Wow. This describes this person I know so clearly.” It was quite shocking actually because I never really classified this person as an abuser or controller but the truth is they are. Consistent lies, always placing blame on the victim, instilling (actually encouraging) these same behaviors in others who were close to the victim, manipulating and controlling relationships with the victim’s friends and family and that’s only a very small portion of it. And you know where it all started? One word. One word is all it took to start this continuous cycle of abuse and control. That goes to show how just one word can have so much power. Words hurt.
This brings me to the cycle of control and abuse. There are 4 key phases to this cycle. The first is the tension-building phase. As the name implies, this is where tension builds. This could take the form of just minor disagreements over minor issues, minor arguments, being verbally attacked, blame and so on. Then we move onto the explosion phase. This is where that tension all starts to come out. The abuser/controller starts to take his/her anger out on you even when it’s clearly not your fault in the form of mild to severe physical harm/abuse and brutal verbal attacks. Third, we move into the reconciliation phase. The controller/abuser will try to make up for their actions by showering you with gifts and apologies all the while blaming you (the victim) for what occurred and making you believe that it’s all your fault when really, it’s just the opposite. Finally, the honeymoon phase. This is where everything seems so perfect. However, as a cycle does, it’s not long before the tension-building phase comes around yet again and the cycle starts all over.
I hope this article has helped you gain a better understanding of the concept of abuse and control. Whether you are someone who is currently experiencing it or whether you know someone who is. If you’re someone who is experiencing any of this or has experienced any of this, please know you don’t deserve this and you don’t have to tolerate it. You are worth so much more than that. If you ever need help or support, check out thehotline.org for support and resources. You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re someone who knows someone who is going through it, show support, be a listening ear, let them know you’re there for them and believe them. Finally, if you’re someone who recognizes these behaviors in yourself, please know the damaging effect your actions and behaviors can cause; crippling mental health concerns such as depression, worthlessness, and even suicidal ideation/intent. The effects could be detrimental and life-long. If you aren’t sure how to gain control back of your behavior but have a desire to, seek help. There is no shame in asking for help. It’s not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength.
Thanks for reading! ~Compassionately Inspired
Cycle of Control/Abuse:
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