The Importance of Kindness This Holiday Season

The holidays can be a wonderful time of year for many. It can be a time of excitement, joy, laughter, fun, traditions, and all of the above.  While that's amazing, we also need to keep in consideration those whose situation may be just the complete opposite. 

It can be so easy to get caught up in the business of the holidays; the running around, the last-minute errands, rushing to get where you're going, time-frames, etc. because let's face it, we have all probably felt that sense of stress or overwhelm that comes with the holidays to some capacity. However, we can sometimes get too caught up into that stress that we might unintentionally take it out on others whether it be accidentally cutting off someone in traffic, or just in general, not having consideration for those around us.  We don't mean to do it.  We're not doing it intentionally and we probably don't even realize that we do it half of the time but sometimes the stress takes over.  While this may seem minor, it can really be major to some people. 

I say it in all of my blog posts but must repeat for emphasis especially around the holidays: everybody has a story.  We never know what's going on in someone's life.  We never know what kind of battle one may be fighting.  That person who accidentally cut you off in traffic may have just got the news that their parent is dying and is trying to get to the hospital. That person who hasn't returned your text or phone call may be grieving the loss of a loved one and needs some time and space alone.  That person who was supposed to meet you for coffee but didn't show up could have just got some life-changing news.  These are just examples but also very real scenarios to put things into perspective that it can be so easy to assume, judge, and/or maybe even get angry but it's also important to realize we may not know the whole story.  We may not understand why someone is acting a certain way and it can be easy to jump to conclusions and assumptions.  However, chances are, those people are hurting in some way and a phrase as simple as "Are you ok?" "I'm here for you" "Can I do anything?" can all mean the world to that person hurting.  That's why the importance of kindness and compassion every day but especially during the holidays are so important. Often times, especially during the holidays, people won't let you know they are hurting and won't ask for help or for you to listen; they don't want to feel like a burden while you're enjoying your holiday so asking these simple questions can be just what they need. You can be that person to make such a difference even if it's just in one person's life. 

If you're one who is struggling this holiday season, know that you are never alone and it's okay to be feeling what you're feeling.  It's okay if you prefer to be alone.  It's okay if you don't want to talk about it.  It's okay if you need to talk about it.  It's okay to do what you need to do for yourself right now.  I know it's hard right now but you can and will get through this.  If you need support, don't ever hesitate to reach out: text "hello" to 741741 to be connected to a live Crisis Counselor at Crisis Text Line or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. It's OKAY to reach out for help.  It does not make you weak or a burden.  We all need help and someone to listen sometimes. 

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season. 
~Compassionately Inspired

The Power of Being the Real You

You’ve heard it before; “be yourself”, “there’s no one like you”, “be original” etc. but let’s take that on a deeper level for a second. What do these things really mean?  Have we actually stopped to think about it?  Chances are, probably not to the capacity that we should.  I’m a strong believer in the phrases above but I also believe we have to stop for a moment to truly understand what it means to truly be ourselves, our real selves.

The thing is we live in a society where we are so pressured to be perfect. We are so focused on what others’ perceptions of us are and portraying that “perfect image”.  We want others to like us. In addition to that, we also live in a society where technology has taken over our lives leaving many to be anxious about how many likes they get but what if in the midst of all of this we just be who we really are; our true, genuine, real, authentic selves?  We put an enormous amount of energy, often toxic energy, into trying to be “perfect” or “someone we're not”, competing with others even if it’s unintentional and we don’t even realize we’re doing so. However, the fact of the matter is, it takes almost no energy to just be who we really are because well, it’s just naturally who we are.

Not only does that constant pressure of trying to be something or someone were not suck all of the energy out of us, but it also creates a false picture to those around you especially in your relationships (any relationship; friendship, family, professional, romantic, etc.).  It may seem great for a while.  You may feel a high of feeling like you’ve impressed this person or people and that may be an amazing feeling.  However, in the end, true colors always have a way of shining through and more often than not, those same people especially those you’re close with would have accepted you just the way you are if you were your real self and if not, well, that’s their problem, not yours.  Not being your true self can actually harm relationships and other amazing things; jobs, opportunities, etc. due to creating a lack of trust and honesty when those true colors do shine through.  You must first love yourself and the person you are enough and it won’t be long for others to do the same. However, if focus all of your energy in trying to love the person your not, chances are others will have a hard time doing the same because true love and happiness comes from within.

I hear you: “But what if people don’t like the real me?” “What if who I am isn’t good enough?” “What if…” I get it.  However, what I learned a very long time ago is that anyone who doesn’t accept you for your true self, isn’t worth your time and attention anyway. There is and will be people out there who accept you're fully for who you are.  Maybe you haven’t met them yet. Maybe you’re still feeling like that oddball out I mentioned in my last article but I promise you, there are people out there who do and will accept you and yourself is absolutely amazing.  You are worth it.  You are enough and you are loved, just the way you are.

My Experience As a Crisis Counselor

There’s no greater reward than being of service to others.

Knowing that you are making a difference even if it’s the smallest difference for just one person, to me, is one of the greatest rewards in life. That’s why I’m a Volunteer Crisis Counselor for Crisis Text Line.  I’ve always had such an immense passion for helping others because I know how impactful it can be to be heard, to have someone say “I’m here for you” or “you’re not alone”.  With that being said, my experience as a Crisis Counselor with Crisis Text Line has been the most eye-opening and empowering experience of my life in so many ways. One of the biggest ways being you never realize how many people are really out there struggling until you’re on the other end of that line seeing the texters come in.  So often, when we go through struggles in life, we are led to believe that we’re the only ones or that nobody gets it or understands but the truth is, so many people do. There are so many people, while their stories are unique, going through very similar things and to be on that other end and be able to help people going through these things and support them as they go from that “hot moment” and guide them to that “cool calm” is simply one of the most rewarding things to me personally.

Additionally, I’ve learned so many important and valuable things and gained so many new insights and perspectives throughout my experience as a Crisis Counselor.  One of the biggest things is the power in not being so quick to give advice when we’re trying to support someone.  It can be so easy or automatic to want to jump in and give someone struggling advice but what’s even more powerful that we learn through our training and that I’ve seen first-hand when helping people is simply being there and meeting people where they are at.  Especially in a crisis situation, people more often than not, are not looking for advice but rather to be heard. Another major thing I’ve had the opportunity to expand on is the motto I live by everyday that everybody has a story.  We are all different and everybody has different reactions and feelings to certain events, situations, etc. and it’s imperative that we are mindful of that especially when we’re supporting someone so they feel comfortable and safe opening up and not as though we are judging them. Finally, as a Crisis Counselor, I feel like I never stop learning;  With every new conversation in addition to working with other amazing Crisis Counselors, Supervisors, and Coaches all who share a common passion and goal, there’s always something new to be learned.

In summary, as mentioned, my experience volunteering as a Crisis Counselor with Crisis Text Line has been nothing short of an incredibly fulfilling one to say the least.  If you love supporting and being there for others, I highly encourage you to apply to become a Crisis Counselor today.  I never expected this experience to teach me so many new things and provide me with such amazing opportunities.

If You’re Always Feeling Like The “Odd One Out”: You’re Not Alone.

Do you ever feel like no matter where you are or what you do, there’s just always that sneaky feeling of you’re not like the rest, or like you just don’t fit in, like you’re the “odd one out”?  I hear you and you’re not alone.  However, I’m also here to tell you, if you are feeling like this; it’s okay.  There’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not the only one despite the fact that you probably feel like you are.

The truth is, I’ve felt like this my entire life except for in my high school where to this day, is the only place I’ve ever truly felt 100% accepted or that I belonged.  I even visited over 16 colleges during my college search to try and find that place was just like my high school because it’s something that I strongly desired; to be accepted.  Then, the first college I chose ended up not necessarily being the right choice for me so I transferred after the first semester.  The college I transferred to is a great school and is definitely a much better fit for me for sure.  However, since high school, I’ve gone back to having that sneaky feeling creeping up on me from time to time that I’m not like the rest and sometimes that hits me.  Sometimes I question why can’t I fit in?  Why does it look so easy for everyone else?  Is it me?

I never knew if it was because of my hearing loss or my anxiety.  I always felt like there had to be something wrong with me for me to feel this way.  However, as a psychology major and someone who is the president and vice president of 2 mental health clubs on campus, I’m starting to learn that I’m actually not the only one feeling like this.  Contrary to what I always thought, It’s actually not just me and that maybe it’s actually normal in a way to be feeling like this. I didn’t realize it until recently when I started a group on campus that serves as a safe place for students to come, connect, and talk about what they’re going through and even in some of my psychology classes and getting to know some like-minded people.

The world can feel so big sometimes.  It can feel like you’re just a single person or another number caught up in the midst of life but in reality, everyone is.  If you’ve read some of my other blog posts or heard some of my speeches, you’ve heard me say “everybody has a story”;  that’s my motto and always has been ever since I went through bullying but it wasn’t until I started having these meaningful conversations with others and gaining such a trauma-informed perspective through the trauma training I recently received that I realized that I really am not alone.  It’s not like we go around wearing these feelings on our sleeves and it’s not necessarily a major point of conversation so it can appear as though everyone else is totally fine but in reality, there are so many more people than you know feeling the exact same way.

I know it can be easier said than done to put things into this perspective and honestly, without going through trauma-training or being a psychology major, I’m not sure I would have developed such a perspective myself which is why I’m sharing it with you.  If you’re going through something or even if you’re just having these feelings or feeling alone, I promise you, you aren’t alone.  It can be so easy to feel like that but remember, there are so many others feeling this way that you would never know. Besides, if you were like the others, you wouldn’t be you.  Embrace your uniqueness and don’t try to be someone you’re not just to fit in; the world needs your uniqueness.

Don't Judge One's Decisions When You Don't Know One's Story or Reasons

Don’t judge one's decisions when you don’t know one's reasons...  This is a pretty vague statement but if you’ve ever been in a position where you’ve had to make a really rough decision(s), I’m sure you can relate and know that it can actually hold a lot of meaning.  However, for those who haven’t been in this situation or aren’t exactly sure what I mean by this, read on because chances are you know someone in this situation and this applies to you too.

All too often, when people confide in others for support or advice or even just tell others about a situation they're in or a problem they have, people often respond with phrases like “you should” “you shouldn’t” “you’ll regret it” “that’s a mistake” “you’ll change your mind”…  And while we may think that this is the kind of advice people are looking for and may have the right intentions when giving this kind of advice (and maybe sometimes it is in certain cases); often when people are expressing their feelings about something to you, they’re often not looking for advice or for you to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do; they’re telling you a side of a story, their side, their feelings and while you think you may be helping, these phrases can actually come across as judgmental leading the person confiding in you to feel insecure among other things.  Chances are they came to you for a reason, they shared this information with you for a reason, most likely because they trusted you; not because they were looking for advice but because they were looking for support; there’s a difference.  I say it in every single speech I give and almost every single blog post and I will always say it: Everybody Has a Story.  Everybody has a story you most likely know nothing about.  Everyone is battling something you know nothing about and feeling judged can add even more salt to the wound on top of whatever they are already dealing with.

To shed some light on what I’m talking about, let me provide a few examples.  I first encountered this when I transferred from public school to cyber school after being severely bullied on a daily basis.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard “that’s the wrong decision”, “you shouldn’t do that” “you’ll never thrive”, “you’ll never go to college”, “you won’t be successful” etc. etc. because they did not know the nature and severity of the situation. They didn’t know what I or my mother, who was going through it with me were dealing with on a daily basis.  They didn’t know that if I were to stay in that situation, the toll it would have taken on my mental health in addition to the toll it had already taken at that time.  Most importantly though, they didn’t know me. They didn’t know my ambition, my drive, my determination.  They didn’t know what I was capable of but what they didn’t know the most was my story and my reasons.  But, let me tell you; there was/is no greater feeling than walking down that asile of my high school graduation knowing that my hard work, ambition, and most of all, my resilience proved all of them wrong.

Another example that is all too real is my decision to cut ties with my toxic, and narcissistic abusive father and my family.  If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know just a bit of this story but it goes far beyond what any blog post or even conversation can shed light on thus, my point of everybody has a story you know nothing about and there are two sides to every story.  I bring this up as my mom and I have been in the process of cleaning out our house and are currently going through old pictures. I made the decision to not keep pictures of my father or family with the exception of one or two because as I said it stems from a toxic relationship situation and this decision supports my process of healing the trauma that my father and other members of my family have caused.  Don’t get me wrong, I have overcome and healed from this trauma a long time ago but as someone with strong autonomy who knows myself well and what I need to maintain my mental health and keep moving forward from my past, I know that keeping those pictures is not only not in my best interest but also, that getting rid of the pictures is my personal coping mechanism and something that is healing to me because it is part of my way of removing toxicity from my life.  I’m not going to get into specific details for the sake of the length of this post but what I will say is that even people who know snippets of this story, even the smallest parts, don’t even know even close to half of the story; some, not even my side of the story, my feelings, or what I have personally been through and how much I put into the decision, how much it took to cut those ties but choose to tell me that I “shouldn’t do that” that I’ll “regret it”, “it’s wrong”, “people change” and while some of them may have good intentions, I’m sorry; but you are wrong.  Again, you don’t know half of it and you can’t possibly know the half of it.  I realize some of these people may have “similar” experiences but they are not my experiences, they are not my story, they are not my feelings. Just because this wouldn’t be your decision or because you have had a different experience, doesn’t mean it’s the same for me or for others.

Every single story is different.  Every single person is different.  What is considered healing to one may be considered selfish to others but it is not your place to make that determination.  The only thing that you can determine is how you feel and what is right for you personally.  It can be easy to judge based on our own experiences and our natural instinct to think that because we experience it this way, that is the way but that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  You can place two identical people in the same exact situation and they could have completely, drastically different feelings, experiences, decisions, and outcomes.  That does not mean one person is right and one person is wrong; that means everyone is different and we need to respect that and strive to offer more support than advice that we “think” is right.

When Past, Uncovered Trauma Eventually Comes to the Surface

Trauma. What is it Isn’t it experiencing something big, serious, or life-threatening?  Well, it could be, but the truth is; it’s actually that and so much more.  It may shock you to learn that trauma comes in all shapes, forms, sizes, and levels of severity.  In fact, some of the things that we may never in a million years consider to be traumatic or classified as trauma, can actually be incredibly traumatic.  The reason why this isn’t widely known is that the reality of that trauma may not come or hit you until many years later, especially if it’s something that is not typically considered a trauma.  I write this particular article from two perspectives; one as having been through and overcome these types of trauma in my own life and also as a psychology major going through trauma training. 

Trauma as many of us know it, come in the forms of very severe and perhaps you could say, obvious cases or situations.  For instance, it is commonly associated with situations of gun violence, assault, witnessing or enduring a life-threatening situation, etc.  But what if I told you that things like bullying, losing a parent (even if you still have an incredibly supportive parent) or other close family member, growing up in an environment filled with tension/arguing (even if you’re not directly involved), or even just watching someone you love and care about go through a really rough time could be considered trauma too?  To many, these things seem like typical struggles of life. Yes, we know that they are hard, we know that they are sad and depressing, but what we don’t necessarily realize is that for some people, they are harder than we think and when I say hard, I’m talking hard on a traumatic level. What’s important to note here before going further into this is that every single person is different and therefore, everyone deals with life, and different things/situations, etc. differently.  You could place two identical people, same age, gender, history, even identical twins, etc.  in the exact same situation but their outcomes or what they grow up to be could be complete, polar opposites and that all has to do with soooo many factors, and the fact that everyone is different (put simply; there is so much more to that but we’ll leave it general for now).  Now, some of you reading this may even already know this part of trauma too; so why am I writing this? 

Well, as mentioned above, I’m writing this from two perspectives; the psychology major perspective and the personal perspective.  I’ll start with the psychology major perspective as it leads to the personal perspective. 

It’s most likely obvious to you (even those who are not psychology majors) that the field of psychology has a focus on understanding mental health and thinks like trauma etc. as a means to understand and help others but as I go through my psychology major and get closer and closer to my degree, as I’m sure many other psychology majors also experience is that you also learn a whole lot about yourself and your own life experiences as well.  That moment when you’re sitting in a psychology class and something clicks and you think to yourself “wow, this is so me” or “wow, I get that thing/situation now!” it’s an eye-opening, “aha” moment. I’ve briefly explained the logistical, educational part of the trauma from the psychology perspective above, but this is where the personal perspective comes in. 

If you’ve read my previous articles, have been keeping up with my work, or know me personally, you know I’ve had my share of struggles and the reason that I’ve dedicated my work and passion to this blog, psychology, crisis counseling, sharing my story, and helping others are all because of my struggles.  I made the decision a long time ago that I would never let my struggles define me. When I found a place where I belonged and was accepted, I was no longer a victim. After being a victim of bullying and other struggles for so long, I decided that I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. Because of this, I thought that was the end of all struggle; that nothing could ever trigger me or get me at all ever again.  And for a while, this was true and a very large piece of that is still so true. I may be cracked, bruised, and scarred but no matter what, no matter what life or anyone or anything throws at me, no matter how bad; I know for a fact that I cannot, under any circumstances, be broken; I am unbreakable. However, I was also forced to realize or should I say be reminded of something that was in hiding beneath the surface for quite a while but was forced to come to the surface just recently. 

You may have also read my previous articles about toxic relationships or narcissism and bullying etc.  You may have even figured out that many of my articles were about my father and his betrayal, especially if you know me. However, also if you know me, you know I have an absolutely amazing mother who is my best friend and biggest supporter.  Because of that unconditional support, I have been able to thrive beyond what I ever thought possible. Because of that unconditional support, and pursuing my utmost passion in life that provides me with great fulfillment, trauma was the last thing that would come to my mind when I think about my story or experiences.  Struggles? Sure, most definitely. But trauma? Prior to this recent training and being a psychology major, I’m one of those people who would never in a million years have considered myself to have ever endured trauma. But then I learned all about it and not just the basics, but in-depth, and I started receiving internal messages that said: “think about these words”.  So I did, I thought about them. In these beginning stages, I was like “okay, so maybe I’ve endured some trauma but that’s my past; I’m living my dream, I’m happier than can be, I have an amazing mom, amazing job, amazing opportunities and experiences, getting an education, and a great relationship. That signal, that voice said “you’re right and that’s all great but keep listening.”  Naturally, I did. And little by little, I found myself resonating with certain things and topics that made me think just a bit and reflect on my own life and experiences: “hmm, I never quite thought of it like that” and this happens often as a psychology major. However, it wasn’t until one sentence spoke to me and resonated so deeply that made my eyes truly open. This statement was something along the lines of “when a child loses a parent whether it’s due to death or betrayal or endures another hurtful experience, that child endures deep hurt and that hurt especially if other hurtful scenarios follow and/or are repeated that leads a person to never let anyone get close enough to hurt them BUT that will also eventually mean that person will more likely, never let anyone get close enough to love them.”  It was in that moment that all I could think to myself was “wow”.  I knew that I was always very hesitant to allow people to get close to me due to the fear of being hurt, this I knew.  But what I didn’t realize was that in doing that, I really was doing that other part too; I was not letting people get close enough to love me.  At first, this realization hit me as a bad thing, like wow, I must need help, but once I let it sink in and process it; I realized that sometimes, just the notion of something being brought to your attention enough to make you think, has more power than anything.  I not realized, but was merely reminded of many things upon processing this statement and one of the biggest things I was reminded of was my resilience and that is the message I want to get across to you today; read on, I promise, I’m almost to the point. 

No matter what stage you’re at in your life, no matter what struggles, traumas, etc. you have endured, know that you are one amazing, resilient person for having endured all of that.  Even if you haven’t come to terms with certain things yet, it is okay; you will when you are meant to when you are ready to. Healing takes time and it’s a process. This idea of trauma or being told that you’ve endured a trauma when you just don’t feel like it was a trauma or haven’t necessarily had the time to truly process it yet can be hard in and of itself; it’s a lot to take in but know that despite your trauma, despite whatever you have endured, you’re still here, you’re still going, you haven’t given up and maybe things are still hard right now but that’s okay. The fact that you’re still here, still standing, still trying, you’ve succeeded, you have risen above, and for simply being here, you are more beyond resilient than you can possibly know.  If you know someone who has endured trauma, be there; take time to care. You may not understand what they’re going through, it may be hard to understand.  That person who endured the trauma may do everything in their power to push you as far away as possible due to the reason/statement above of not wanting to be hurt.  It’s most likely not personal but just that they need to go at a slower pace, they need more time to process, to build trust. So be patient, if you don’t understand, don’t be afraid to ask; they may not be ready to talk about it but the fact that you ask rather than assume can mean a lot to someone but the absolute most important thing you can do for that person is to simply be there.  Often, you don’t even need to say much or anything at all but often, for many, just your presence and support is enough to send a message of “I’m here, you’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere and it’s going to be okay” and that is most likely, most often what someone going through or healing from a trauma needs in that moment. 

Thanks so much for reading!  For more inspirational content, be sure to subscribe and/or like and follow my social media pages below. 

~ Compassionately Inspired

Suicide Prevention Week 2019

In honor of suicide prevention week, I thought I would take a moment to address the topic of suicide as although it can be a hard topic of conversation for some, it is also incredibly important. 

Most of us have been affected by suicide at some point in our lives; whether you experienced thoughts of it, attempted it, survived it, know or lost someone who has struggled, this matter affects us all. Chances are you know someone right now who may be having these thoughts or maybe even mourning the loss of one they know to it. You may even know someone who may be having thoughts of it even if they haven’t told you directly or “seem fine” which is why it’s so important to understand the warning signs, and how to help others and/or yourself who may be struggling. 

So what are the warning signs? How can we really know when someone “seems fine” or doesn’t tell us directly that they are feeling this way or struggling at all? Well, the truth is, most people who do have these thoughts or are considering suicide, or even dealing with any type of mental health concern do not often let others know. They often feel as though it’s “shameful” or that it’s a burden for them to feel this way or put it on someone else. It can be extremely hard, scary, and overwhelming for someone to reach out for help or talk about this topic. With that being said, if someone does happen to reach out to you or talk to you about these things, please take it seriously because most likely, they are being serious and they most likely need you most right now. But back to when we don’t know...How can we tell? Is it okay to ask if we suspect it? Will we be putting the thoughts in someone's head if we do ask? The first thing I will say here to answer these questions are is absolutely okay to ask if you suspect or notice possible signs. You will not be putting these things in someone’s head by asking. In fact, some people may never, ever speak up about it unless someone does ask. Some people are waiting for just one person to see, to ask, to care. Sometimes simply asking the question “Are you ok?” “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” “I care about you, I’m here for you” is/are all someone needs to hear if they are in fact battling with these thoughts; sometimes simply knowing someone cares is all someone needs to keep going, to feel hope. Asking about suicide, and asking these questions can truly save a life. 

So what are the actual signs? Common signs are feelings of depression, isolation/withdrawal, not doing things that one usually enjoys, giving away possessions, talking about death, talking about suicide directly, talking negatively about oneself, feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness. If you recognize these signs in yourself, please do not be afraid to ask for help. Yes, I know it can be scary. But I promise, you are not alone. Talk to someone you trust, text Crisis Text Line by texting home to “741741”, call the free suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-825 (both available 24/7), consider talking to a counselor. Help and resources are out there. Battling with these thoughts can be incredibly overbearing but you don’t have to sit with them alone. And if you see these signs in others, talk to them, offer support, provide them with the resources listed above, offer to talk to someone with them, offer to simply listen, ask them what they need. If you’re unsure about a situation, if you feel as though you’re in a position where you can’t help the person, talk to someone you can trust who can help you; don’t take it lightly. 

Additionally, for those struggling whether it be yourself or knowing someone who’s experienced/is experiencing this, have lost someone to it etc. again, you are not alone. There are so many resources out there. You are worth it. You are amazing. You got this. I know it may be hard right now but remember, no storm lasts forever. Whatever it is you may be going through, you can and you will get through this. There is hope and your story does not end here. Everything you’re going through right now in this moment is making you so much stronger than you can possibly imagine and I know it doesn’t feel like that right now but one day, it will. Don’t give up, you are worth it and again, you will get through it. 

Thank you so much for reading! Please share to spread the word; you never know who may need to see this. <3

~Compassionately Inspired

Resources: 

Text: Crisis Text Line: “home” to 741741 (24/7) - https://www.crisistextline.org/textline?msclkid=a8d1ef3138e51db90dbbb24565a68010

Call: Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-825 (24/7) - https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness)- https://nami.org/About-NAMI?gclid=Cj0KCQjwqs3rBRCdARIsADe1pfT4KFd0yaNTe1evZJ7U8LxIDAHLayN6MSbIcIywEXMc85GNE19IWD8aAih7EALw_wcB

Getting Closure For Yourself When You Can’t Get it From Others

          Let’s face it. We’ve all been hurt before and have encountered situations that are put simply, not as easy to overcome or bounce back from as others.  These situations can be incredibly overwhelming, maybe even painful and even painstakingly confusing at times.  In these moments, we try to find closure; a way to be at peace with this person or situation that hurt us.  We just want to be able to move forward and heal from this event or be free from it.  In some instances, we may feel as though the only way to obtain this closure is from the person or thing that caused it especially if it was a person.  But, what if you can’t get that closure from that one person you need it from?  That one person who caused all of this pent-up hurt, pain, anger, and confusion?  It may seem as though this is the only person who can give you this closure, like it’s out of your control but I’m here to tell you, that’s not the case.

          Unfortunately, there are times in which some people can so easily inflict pain and hurt upon us and act as though it’s nothing thus refusing to or not being capable of giving us the closure we need.  What can we do in those situations when we feel like we hit this wall?  When we have tried over, and over, time after time, maybe even begged this person for closure but to no avail, they just can’t give it to us for whatever the reason?  How can we heal at that point?  It may seem hopeless but I promise you it’s not. Trust me, as someone who has been through this first hand, I know what it’s like to be in such a situation but I also know what it’s like to experience the incredibly freeing feeling of relief and freedom when I discovered I didn’t have to be held captive by not getting that closure from that person.  I didn’t have to be stuck in this situation. There was a way out.

          When I finally came to the realization and reality after attempting numerous times to get that closure from this particular person, I realized that simply was not going to happen.  With that being said, I knew I had to do something to move past this roadblock and as cliché as it may sound, it truthfully all started with gratitude.

          I realized that I may have lost some things and people that were really important to me but what I needed to realize more was what I had/have.  I needed to focus on that and when I started to realize that and do that, I realized that I don’t need this one person to determine my own happiness. This one person does not determine my destiny or my endpoint.  From that point on, I made the decision to not let this one person define who I am, my worth, my happiness, or where I’m going to go in life.  I have an amazing mom who does support me, a passion, drive, and purpose to help others, am living my life, and quite frankly, I have all that I need to be happy and that’s when the game changed for me.

          I wanted to share this with you today because I know how hard this process can be and trust me, I know it’s not an overnight process.  It can take months or even years to realize this because pain and hurt is real and it can and block out what’s right in front of us and what’s within us making those things harder to see. However, while pain is real, so is love, hope, purpose, and determination.  The reality is you can do absolutely anything you set your mind to.  Once you discover these things, nothing (and I repeat as I’ve said in many other blog posts); Nothing. Is. Impossible. You are worth it and you CAN and WILL get through it.

          Thanks so much for reading!  If you enjoyed reading this post please subscribe for more and like, comment, and share with others for even more inspiration!

~Compassionately Inspired

The Power of Empathy

          Empathy.  What is it?  Who does it impact?  What kind of impact does it have?

          While there are so many definitions of empathy out there and everyone may have their own personal definition of what it is, here’s a personal favorite of mine from the inspiring, Brene Brown: “Empathy is a strange and powerful thing.  There is no script.  There is no right way or wrong way to do it.  It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredibly healing the message of ‘you are not alone’.”

           This particular definition I feel sums up exactly what empathy is in a nutshell.  It’s something that is relatively simple but yet immensely powerful.  This is something I’ve learned and continue to learn every single day as a psychology major and especially as a crisis counselor.  Empathy is the art of listening, being there, and supporting one who needs it and refraining from judgment even when we may hold contradictory or opposite beliefs/opinions from others.

         Empathy impacts everyone and frankly, its impacts actually have the potential to save a life.  This is something I’ve seen first-hand volunteering as a Crisis Counselor.  People text us in times of crisis not necessarily seeking advice, but just someone to be there and all too often I see the power of using empathy allow that person on the other end to go from that an incredibly heated moment back down to that cool calm and safe place again because they felt heard and listened to; they felt someone cared, and thus, they felt less alone.

          It can be so easy and natural to automatically try and give people advice when they come to you and are struggling because we want to help and we think that giving advice will do that and yes, of course, we all need advice sometimes too.  However, when someone is going through a hard time, they often don’t need someone to give advice but rather just someone to listen and understand.  Sometimes just knowing that someone is there is truly all it takes for someone to know that they’re not alone.  

          In addition to practicing empathy in others’ moments of struggle, empathy is something we should strive to provide to everyone we cross paths with.  Why?  Because as I say in all of my presentations; everyone has a story and we never know what someone’s story is.  We never know what people are carrying around with them from day to day when we cross paths with them.  Someone could have just lost someone so close to them, could have received life-changing and heart-breaking news; you just never know.  However, spreading empathy, kindness, and compassion can truly make such a positive difference.

          Thanks so much for reading.  For more inspirational content, be sure to like and follow “Compassionately Inspired” on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Terminating Toxic and Unhealthy Relationships Does Not Make You Selfish

          We’ve all come in contact with people we don’t necessarily get along with but when do we draw the line?  We all have our own limits, values, and boundaries and when someone pushes and tests those limits and boundaries, some may think they just have to accept it, especially when it comes to family. People often feel as though they’re “selfish” if they speak up or decide to distance themselves or even terminate these kinds of unhealthy and in some cases, toxic relationships but I’m here to tell you that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  The truth is that terminating an unhealthy or toxic relationship takes so much strength and courage and having that strength and courage to know your worth and make that decision shows how strong you truly are.

          So, what do I mean by a “toxic or unhealthy relationship”?  Primarily, a relationship can be considered unhealthy and, in some cases, even considered toxic depending on the context, situation etc. However, overall, these relationships can be described as a relationship in which the other person continuously and excessively tries to criticize you, bring you down, degrade you, use you, disrespect you, attack who you are etc. the list goes on.  Put simply, any relationship that leaves you feeling attacked or bad about yourself can be considered an unhealthy relationship.  When we start to see these kinds of patterns is when we should start to question whether or not that relationship is worth our time or whether it’s time to create some distance there.

          As mentioned earlier, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to make such a decision. We don’t want to feel guilty or be “the bad guy”.  We worry that it if we cut off or distance ourselves from a relationship whether it’s unhealthy or toxic or not, that it’s our fault but again, that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  It is OKAY to walk away from things that no longer serve you, especially if they aren’t only no longer serving you, but also hurting you or bringing you down.  Actually, it’s more than okay.  In fact, sometimes terminating these kinds of relationships are a necessity for some people.

          Surrounding yourself with someone/people who are consistently and excessively criticizing you, putting you down, or degrading you can take an enormous toll on your overall health and wellbeing.  You deserve so much more than that; so, don’t feel bad about terminating a relationship that was/is dragging you down or no longer serving you.  Instead, choose to surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you happy; those are the kinds of people who are worth your time.

          Also, for those on the outside looking in, it can be easy to judge or make assumptions when we see someone terminate a relationship; especially when it comes to family.  Some may say “you can’t terminate your family” etc. but, understand that you most likely do not know the whole story.  As I said earlier, sometimes terminating these kinds of relationships are highly necessary and can be incredibly hard to do so try not to judge.  Instead, try to understand or support someone if you know they’ve recently had to struggle with an unhealthy or toxic relationship because chances are, they need that support right now.

          Finally, for those of you in these tough situations, struggling with what to do or feeling guilty about recently terminating such relationships, know that sometimes you need to put yourself first and that’s not selfish, it’s a necessity.  If you’re reading this, chances are you are one of those people who spend a lot of time looking out for others and putting others needs before your own.  Don’t be afraid to do what’s best for you because you deserve that.

          Thanks so much for reading!  If you’re interested in seeing future blog posts and more inspirational content, be sure to subscribe to my blog and like, follow, and share Compassionately Inspired on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

~Compassionately Inspired.

The Importance of Solving Problems Before It's Too Late and How to Accept the Unresolved

           Have you ever heard the phrase “problems are meant to be solved”?  I can’t emphasize enough how true this statement is especially when it comes to family and people you care about.  Let me tell you why.

        All too often, people go their entire lives without solving problems, pushing things under the rug as if they’ll return to them later but never do.  But then there comes a time when they realize that they’ve shoved everything under the rug for so long that now the rug is useless because it’s been destroyed by all of the unresolved things piled underneath it.  This “time” unfortunately, is usually the time when these individuals are on their last breath.  I mean, we see this in movies and shows all the time; an unexpected tragedy or emergency happens and we see people solving these problems in a hospital room.

           For some, this may be valid.  Some may see this is a “wake up call”, that this event has allowed them to come to their census and for some, this may a “miracle” or the closure they need.

          For others, however, it’s way too late at that point – especially when the person has had ample chances and/or months, years etc. to resolve the issues that needed to be resolved.  I’m not here to judge either way – everyone is their own person.  However, I speak from personal experience and I write this particular blog post both for those who may be the one who has a tendency to pile things under the rug and for those who have been hurt by others doing this.

        Picture again the analogy I brought up in the beginning.  Now picture a person affected by these actions. That same analogy is exactly what the person affected is feeling except that’s not happening under the rug, that’s happening in their mind because the problems keep arising but the other person keeps pushing it under the rug.  This then leads the person affected to sit with these unresolved problems and if you think about it, that can cause quite a bit of emotional damage to a person; being forced to sit with unresolved problems that you have tried to resolve but keep getting pushed under the rug and being forced just to accept that, can take an emotional toll on someone.  Then, the time comes where the person who has continuously shoved these things under the rug for so long experiences an emergency or unexpected tragedy and they want to make it right because they don’t want to leave this world with that guilt.  But how do you think that makes the person affected feel?  Most likely they feel 100 times more hurt than before because they may feel as though they weren’t worth fixing these problems for until this time and think about the damage that, on top of the baggage of having to hold onto the issues for so long, can cause.  With that being said, if you’re one of those people who has a tendency to pile things under the rug, think about how that could be affecting those around you.

          Additionally, if you’re the one affected by this person's (or people's) actions and are left sitting with things piled high in your mind from things not being resolved and are left feeling confused, overwhelmed, hurt etc., I’ve been there and I hear you and as hard, damaging, and draining as it can be, this person’s actions are NOT a reflection of your worth, your value, or your potential.  I know you may feel otherwise but believe me when I say this.  You are not subject to live with the backlash of this person’s actions for the rest of your life.  You can rise above.  I know that can be easier said than done, and I know right now it may feel permanent but you are worth so much more than how they made you feel.  You are worth solving and one day, you will rise above the hurt and pain and conquer and you will be so much stronger because of it.

         Thanks so much for reading and stay tuned for more blog posts to come!  Also, feel free to like and follow my page, “Compassionately Inspired” on social media.

~Compassionately Inspired

Anxiety: From Your Enemy to Your Best Friend

          As one with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, I know how debilitating anxiety can be.  However, I also know how empowering it can be.

           To start, let me begin with how I came to reach this realization.  I experienced severe bullying during my middle school years so already having anxiety prior, it definitely didn’t help.  In fact, it only made it ten thousand times worse and spiraled into a deep depression.  It was debilitating, to say the least.  It was a chore just to get out of bed every day and the thought of having to walk in a school every day knowing what I was about to face weighed me down to no end.  During this time, I felt like there was no way things were going to get better and I had no hope.  After being told I was too sensitive, emotional and that this was just all in my head by numerous people, I finally found the right professional who advised me that I was in the wrong school placement and that no matter how hard I fight, it’s a battle I will never win with the particular, prestige school district I was in at the time.  With that being said, I switched to a cyber charter school in 9^th grade and I had no idea that it would be the best thing I had ever done and I never expected such a turnaround in my life.

          Within 3 weeks of making this transition, all of my anxiety and depression were gone; they just faded because I was given what I needed: acceptance, belonging, and understanding.  With that, I was able to conquer the world.  I was able to take this incredibly negative experience and turn it into something incredibly positive with my social media campaign and this blog not only for myself but also to help others struggling as well, to let them know that they are not alone and that things do get better.

          From those three weeks on, I realized that anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy anymore but rather my best friend.  When I was finally able to thrive and reach my potential, I realized that some of my greatest accomplishments were fueled by my anxiety and facing my fears head-on.  It was in those moments of discomfort and lack of confidence where I discovered some of my greatest passions in life.

          Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming it’s “that easy” by any means; it’s not and I’d be lying if I said I don’t my moments.  I mean, don’t we all? After all, we are all only human.  Additionally, I’m not saying that you have to go out and face all of your fears and conquer the world or anything like that.  However, what I am saying is that you have the power within you to let the different adversities you are faced with in life either define you or empower you (again, I know it’s easier said than done but yet, very true).  The defining moment for me when I finally realized anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy anymore was when I realized that yes, I have anxiety but, my anxiety doesn’t define me as a person.  This is something I truly and strongly want to emphasize to you.  Your anxiety, your mental health, your disability, your health status or anything at all that you may be dealing with, does not define you.  You may not realize it now, today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but these struggles are making you stronger and stronger day after day.

          Once you come to this realization that these different things do not define you, you are officially one step closer to achieving the unthinkable.  The power is then in your hands and you get to decide what you do with that power.

           This is where that anxiety comes into play; that voice that used to drive you out of your mind feeding you lie after lie all day, every day has now become the voice; the voice you’ve been waiting for. The voice that says “you CAN do this” instead of “you can’t”.  It is at that moment that anxiety transforms from your enemy to your best friend.

           Does this mean that you’re cured, that all your problems just go away? Absolutely not.  As I mentioned, I still have my moments.  There will be moments and bad days that make you hit a wall.  There will still be those days where that voice tells you “you can’t” and you may be inclined to believe that voice, but don’t give up.  Remember, it’s just a bad day and it will pass and that the next day you will be unstoppable.

           The key to making anxiety your best friend is not about not having bad days.  It’s not about getting rid of that nagging, discouraging voice; it’s about challenging that voice.  The more you challenge the voice that says “you can’t”, the more positive the voice will become because it will realize that you actually can.  Again, way easier said than done, I get it but I believe in you and I know you can do this.  You got this!

Thanks so much for reading!

~ Compassionately Inspired

Abuse and Control: You May be a Victim of It

           Abuse and control are two concepts that are not as widely discussed as they should be.  It’s also often very widely misunderstood on a number of levels and it’s time to shed some light on such an important matter.

          Non-stop lies, consistent blame, threats (direct and/or indirect), physical abuse, hurtful words/name-calling, manipulation, brainwashing.  Any of this sound familiar?  These are just warning signs.  If any of this does sound familiar to you, read on to know that you deserve so much better.  If none of this sounds familiar to you, I encourage you to read on also because chances are you know someone who may be experiencing it.

          Abuse and control may not be so obvious especially since many associate abuse with simply physical harm.  However, there’s so much more to it than that.  In fact, verbal abuse and control can actually take a greater toll on an individual and cause more pain than physical abuse ever can.  That’s not to say physical abuse is any less by any means but I’m just highlighting the importance of this other type of abuse and control that’s equally important but often forgotten.

          It can come in so many forms such as the signs listed above.  If you feel like someone is taking control over you, lying to you on a consistent basis, controlling and jeopardizing your relationships with friends and family, blaming you for their actions and playing victim, twisting words/putting words in your mouth, continue reading.  All of these things are pure controlling behavior and hear me when I say you deserve way better than this.  No one, I repeat, no one deserves that much power over you. I know that if you’re in this situation, it can be hard to believe this.  Maybe you’re at the point where this person got in your head and truly made you believe that it’s all you.  Maybe they convinced you that you’re the one who’s at fault for everything.  But I’m here to tell you that’s the farthest thing from the truth. No, I don’t know you, but what I do know is controlling behavior; Not only professionally as a psychology major and crisis counselor, but also from personal experience.

           Pretty much my entire life growing up, I witnessed control and abuse; mostly verbally towards someone i’m very close to.  As a kid, I knew something seemed wrong but I wouldn’t have considered it as control and abuse.  I just thought this person was “being mean”.  However, as you grow older you start to realize these things and it wasn’t until I started studying psychology in high school and college until the concept of control and abuse really became clear to me when I learned about it in my classes. Something clicked.  I remember one day so clearly sitting in class learning about the cycle of abuse and control that you can see pictured below. I sat there and the exact thought that came through my mind was “Wow. This describes this person I know so clearly.”  It was quite shocking actually because I never really classified this person as an abuser or controller but the truth is they are.  Consistent lies, always placing blame on the victim, instilling (actually encouraging) these same behaviors in others who were close to the victim, manipulating and controlling relationships with the victim’s friends and family and that’s only a very small portion of it.   And you know where it all started?  One word.  One word is all it took to start this continuous cycle of abuse and control.  That goes to show how just one word can have so much power.  Words hurt.

           This brings me to the cycle of control and abuse.  There are 4 key phases to this cycle.  The first is the tension-building phase.  As the name implies, this is where tension builds.  This could take the form of just minor disagreements over minor issues, minor arguments, being verbally attacked, blame and so on.  Then we move onto the explosion phase.  This is where that tension all starts to come out.  The abuser/controller starts to take his/her anger out on you even when it’s clearly not your fault in the form of mild to severe physical harm/abuse and brutal verbal attacks.  Third, we move into the reconciliation phase.  The controller/abuser will try to make up for their actions by showering you with gifts and apologies all the while blaming you (the victim) for what occurred and making you believe that it’s all your fault when really, it’s just the opposite.  Finally, the honeymoon phase.  This is where everything seems so perfect.  However, as a cycle does, it’s not long before the tension-building phase comes around yet again and the cycle starts all over.

          I hope this article has helped you gain a better understanding of the concept of abuse and control. Whether you are someone who is currently experiencing it or whether you know someone who is.  If you’re someone who is experiencing any of this or has experienced any of this, please know you don’t deserve this and you don’t have to tolerate it.  You are worth so much more than that.  If you ever need help or support, check out thehotline.org for support and resources.  You don’t have to go through this alone.  If you’re someone who knows someone who is going through it, show support, be a listening ear, let them know you’re there for them and believe them.  Finally, if you’re someone who recognizes these behaviors in yourself, please know the damaging effect your actions and behaviors can cause; crippling mental health concerns such as depression, worthlessness, and even suicidal ideation/intent.  The effects could be detrimental and life-long.  If you aren’t sure how to gain control back of your behavior but have a desire to, seek help.  There is no shame in asking for help.  It’s not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength.

Thanks for reading! ~Compassionately Inspired

Resources:

Cycle of Control/Abuse: 

http://www.sjsu.edu/spartansforsafety/healthyrelationships/overview/cycleofviolence/index.html