Thursday, October 17, 2019

Don't Judge One's Decisions When You Don't Know One's Story or Reasons

Don’t judge one's decisions when you don’t know one's reasons...  This is a pretty vague statement but if you’ve ever been in a position where you’ve had to make a really rough decision(s), I’m sure you can relate and know that it can actually hold a lot of meaning.  However, for those who haven’t been in this situation or aren’t exactly sure what I mean by this, read on because chances are you know someone in this situation and this applies to you too.

All too often, when people confide in others for support or advice or even just tell others about a situation they're in or a problem they have, people often respond with phrases like “you should” “you shouldn’t” “you’ll regret it” “that’s a mistake” “you’ll change your mind”…  And while we may think that this is the kind of advice people are looking for and may have the right intentions when giving this kind of advice (and maybe sometimes it is in certain cases); often when people are expressing their feelings about something to you, they’re often not looking for advice or for you to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do; they’re telling you a side of a story, their side, their feelings and while you think you may be helping, these phrases can actually come across as judgmental leading the person confiding in you to feel insecure among other things.  Chances are they came to you for a reason, they shared this information with you for a reason, most likely because they trusted you; not because they were looking for advice but because they were looking for support; there’s a difference.  I say it in every single speech I give and almost every single blog post and I will always say it: Everybody Has a Story.  Everybody has a story you most likely know nothing about.  Everyone is battling something you know nothing about and feeling judged can add even more salt to the wound on top of whatever they are already dealing with.

To shed some light on what I’m talking about, let me provide a few examples.  I first encountered this when I transferred from public school to cyber school after being severely bullied on a daily basis.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard “that’s the wrong decision”, “you shouldn’t do that” “you’ll never thrive”, “you’ll never go to college”, “you won’t be successful” etc. etc. because they did not know the nature and severity of the situation. They didn’t know what I or my mother, who was going through it with me were dealing with on a daily basis.  They didn’t know that if I were to stay in that situation, the toll it would have taken on my mental health in addition to the toll it had already taken at that time.  Most importantly though, they didn’t know me. They didn’t know my ambition, my drive, my determination.  They didn’t know what I was capable of but what they didn’t know the most was my story and my reasons.  But, let me tell you; there was/is no greater feeling than walking down that asile of my high school graduation knowing that my hard work, ambition, and most of all, my resilience proved all of them wrong.

Another example that is all too real is my decision to cut ties with my toxic, and narcissistic abusive father and my family.  If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know just a bit of this story but it goes far beyond what any blog post or even conversation can shed light on thus, my point of everybody has a story you know nothing about and there are two sides to every story.  I bring this up as my mom and I have been in the process of cleaning out our house and are currently going through old pictures. I made the decision to not keep pictures of my father or family with the exception of one or two because as I said it stems from a toxic relationship situation and this decision supports my process of healing the trauma that my father and other members of my family have caused.  Don’t get me wrong, I have overcome and healed from this trauma a long time ago but as someone with strong autonomy who knows myself well and what I need to maintain my mental health and keep moving forward from my past, I know that keeping those pictures is not only not in my best interest but also, that getting rid of the pictures is my personal coping mechanism and something that is healing to me because it is part of my way of removing toxicity from my life.  I’m not going to get into specific details for the sake of the length of this post but what I will say is that even people who know snippets of this story, even the smallest parts, don’t even know even close to half of the story; some, not even my side of the story, my feelings, or what I have personally been through and how much I put into the decision, how much it took to cut those ties but choose to tell me that I “shouldn’t do that” that I’ll “regret it”, “it’s wrong”, “people change” and while some of them may have good intentions, I’m sorry; but you are wrong.  Again, you don’t know half of it and you can’t possibly know the half of it.  I realize some of these people may have “similar” experiences but they are not my experiences, they are not my story, they are not my feelings. Just because this wouldn’t be your decision or because you have had a different experience, doesn’t mean it’s the same for me or for others.

Every single story is different.  Every single person is different.  What is considered healing to one may be considered selfish to others but it is not your place to make that determination.  The only thing that you can determine is how you feel and what is right for you personally.  It can be easy to judge based on our own experiences and our natural instinct to think that because we experience it this way, that is the way but that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  You can place two identical people in the same exact situation and they could have completely, drastically different feelings, experiences, decisions, and outcomes.  That does not mean one person is right and one person is wrong; that means everyone is different and we need to respect that and strive to offer more support than advice that we “think” is right.

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