Getting Closure For Yourself When You Can’t Get it From Others

          Let’s face it. We’ve all been hurt before and have encountered situations that are put simply, not as easy to overcome or bounce back from as others.  These situations can be incredibly overwhelming, maybe even painful and even painstakingly confusing at times.  In these moments, we try to find closure; a way to be at peace with this person or situation that hurt us.  We just want to be able to move forward and heal from this event or be free from it.  In some instances, we may feel as though the only way to obtain this closure is from the person or thing that caused it especially if it was a person.  But, what if you can’t get that closure from that one person you need it from?  That one person who caused all of this pent-up hurt, pain, anger, and confusion?  It may seem as though this is the only person who can give you this closure, like it’s out of your control but I’m here to tell you, that’s not the case.

          Unfortunately, there are times in which some people can so easily inflict pain and hurt upon us and act as though it’s nothing thus refusing to or not being capable of giving us the closure we need.  What can we do in those situations when we feel like we hit this wall?  When we have tried over, and over, time after time, maybe even begged this person for closure but to no avail, they just can’t give it to us for whatever the reason?  How can we heal at that point?  It may seem hopeless but I promise you it’s not. Trust me, as someone who has been through this first hand, I know what it’s like to be in such a situation but I also know what it’s like to experience the incredibly freeing feeling of relief and freedom when I discovered I didn’t have to be held captive by not getting that closure from that person.  I didn’t have to be stuck in this situation. There was a way out.

          When I finally came to the realization and reality after attempting numerous times to get that closure from this particular person, I realized that simply was not going to happen.  With that being said, I knew I had to do something to move past this roadblock and as cliché as it may sound, it truthfully all started with gratitude.

          I realized that I may have lost some things and people that were really important to me but what I needed to realize more was what I had/have.  I needed to focus on that and when I started to realize that and do that, I realized that I don’t need this one person to determine my own happiness. This one person does not determine my destiny or my endpoint.  From that point on, I made the decision to not let this one person define who I am, my worth, my happiness, or where I’m going to go in life.  I have an amazing mom who does support me, a passion, drive, and purpose to help others, am living my life, and quite frankly, I have all that I need to be happy and that’s when the game changed for me.

          I wanted to share this with you today because I know how hard this process can be and trust me, I know it’s not an overnight process.  It can take months or even years to realize this because pain and hurt is real and it can and block out what’s right in front of us and what’s within us making those things harder to see. However, while pain is real, so is love, hope, purpose, and determination.  The reality is you can do absolutely anything you set your mind to.  Once you discover these things, nothing (and I repeat as I’ve said in many other blog posts); Nothing. Is. Impossible. You are worth it and you CAN and WILL get through it.

          Thanks so much for reading!  If you enjoyed reading this post please subscribe for more and like, comment, and share with others for even more inspiration!

~Compassionately Inspired

The Power of Empathy

          Empathy.  What is it?  Who does it impact?  What kind of impact does it have?

          While there are so many definitions of empathy out there and everyone may have their own personal definition of what it is, here’s a personal favorite of mine from the inspiring, Brene Brown: “Empathy is a strange and powerful thing.  There is no script.  There is no right way or wrong way to do it.  It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredibly healing the message of ‘you are not alone’.”

           This particular definition I feel sums up exactly what empathy is in a nutshell.  It’s something that is relatively simple but yet immensely powerful.  This is something I’ve learned and continue to learn every single day as a psychology major and especially as a crisis counselor.  Empathy is the art of listening, being there, and supporting one who needs it and refraining from judgment even when we may hold contradictory or opposite beliefs/opinions from others.

         Empathy impacts everyone and frankly, its impacts actually have the potential to save a life.  This is something I’ve seen first-hand volunteering as a Crisis Counselor.  People text us in times of crisis not necessarily seeking advice, but just someone to be there and all too often I see the power of using empathy allow that person on the other end to go from that an incredibly heated moment back down to that cool calm and safe place again because they felt heard and listened to; they felt someone cared, and thus, they felt less alone.

          It can be so easy and natural to automatically try and give people advice when they come to you and are struggling because we want to help and we think that giving advice will do that and yes, of course, we all need advice sometimes too.  However, when someone is going through a hard time, they often don’t need someone to give advice but rather just someone to listen and understand.  Sometimes just knowing that someone is there is truly all it takes for someone to know that they’re not alone.  

          In addition to practicing empathy in others’ moments of struggle, empathy is something we should strive to provide to everyone we cross paths with.  Why?  Because as I say in all of my presentations; everyone has a story and we never know what someone’s story is.  We never know what people are carrying around with them from day to day when we cross paths with them.  Someone could have just lost someone so close to them, could have received life-changing and heart-breaking news; you just never know.  However, spreading empathy, kindness, and compassion can truly make such a positive difference.

          Thanks so much for reading.  For more inspirational content, be sure to like and follow “Compassionately Inspired” on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Terminating Toxic and Unhealthy Relationships Does Not Make You Selfish

          We’ve all come in contact with people we don’t necessarily get along with but when do we draw the line?  We all have our own limits, values, and boundaries and when someone pushes and tests those limits and boundaries, some may think they just have to accept it, especially when it comes to family. People often feel as though they’re “selfish” if they speak up or decide to distance themselves or even terminate these kinds of unhealthy and in some cases, toxic relationships but I’m here to tell you that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  The truth is that terminating an unhealthy or toxic relationship takes so much strength and courage and having that strength and courage to know your worth and make that decision shows how strong you truly are.

          So, what do I mean by a “toxic or unhealthy relationship”?  Primarily, a relationship can be considered unhealthy and, in some cases, even considered toxic depending on the context, situation etc. However, overall, these relationships can be described as a relationship in which the other person continuously and excessively tries to criticize you, bring you down, degrade you, use you, disrespect you, attack who you are etc. the list goes on.  Put simply, any relationship that leaves you feeling attacked or bad about yourself can be considered an unhealthy relationship.  When we start to see these kinds of patterns is when we should start to question whether or not that relationship is worth our time or whether it’s time to create some distance there.

          As mentioned earlier, it takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to make such a decision. We don’t want to feel guilty or be “the bad guy”.  We worry that it if we cut off or distance ourselves from a relationship whether it’s unhealthy or toxic or not, that it’s our fault but again, that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  It is OKAY to walk away from things that no longer serve you, especially if they aren’t only no longer serving you, but also hurting you or bringing you down.  Actually, it’s more than okay.  In fact, sometimes terminating these kinds of relationships are a necessity for some people.

          Surrounding yourself with someone/people who are consistently and excessively criticizing you, putting you down, or degrading you can take an enormous toll on your overall health and wellbeing.  You deserve so much more than that; so, don’t feel bad about terminating a relationship that was/is dragging you down or no longer serving you.  Instead, choose to surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you happy; those are the kinds of people who are worth your time.

          Also, for those on the outside looking in, it can be easy to judge or make assumptions when we see someone terminate a relationship; especially when it comes to family.  Some may say “you can’t terminate your family” etc. but, understand that you most likely do not know the whole story.  As I said earlier, sometimes terminating these kinds of relationships are highly necessary and can be incredibly hard to do so try not to judge.  Instead, try to understand or support someone if you know they’ve recently had to struggle with an unhealthy or toxic relationship because chances are, they need that support right now.

          Finally, for those of you in these tough situations, struggling with what to do or feeling guilty about recently terminating such relationships, know that sometimes you need to put yourself first and that’s not selfish, it’s a necessity.  If you’re reading this, chances are you are one of those people who spend a lot of time looking out for others and putting others needs before your own.  Don’t be afraid to do what’s best for you because you deserve that.

          Thanks so much for reading!  If you’re interested in seeing future blog posts and more inspirational content, be sure to subscribe to my blog and like, follow, and share Compassionately Inspired on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

~Compassionately Inspired.

The Importance of Solving Problems Before It's Too Late and How to Accept the Unresolved

           Have you ever heard the phrase “problems are meant to be solved”?  I can’t emphasize enough how true this statement is especially when it comes to family and people you care about.  Let me tell you why.

        All too often, people go their entire lives without solving problems, pushing things under the rug as if they’ll return to them later but never do.  But then there comes a time when they realize that they’ve shoved everything under the rug for so long that now the rug is useless because it’s been destroyed by all of the unresolved things piled underneath it.  This “time” unfortunately, is usually the time when these individuals are on their last breath.  I mean, we see this in movies and shows all the time; an unexpected tragedy or emergency happens and we see people solving these problems in a hospital room.

           For some, this may be valid.  Some may see this is a “wake up call”, that this event has allowed them to come to their census and for some, this may a “miracle” or the closure they need.

          For others, however, it’s way too late at that point – especially when the person has had ample chances and/or months, years etc. to resolve the issues that needed to be resolved.  I’m not here to judge either way – everyone is their own person.  However, I speak from personal experience and I write this particular blog post both for those who may be the one who has a tendency to pile things under the rug and for those who have been hurt by others doing this.

        Picture again the analogy I brought up in the beginning.  Now picture a person affected by these actions. That same analogy is exactly what the person affected is feeling except that’s not happening under the rug, that’s happening in their mind because the problems keep arising but the other person keeps pushing it under the rug.  This then leads the person affected to sit with these unresolved problems and if you think about it, that can cause quite a bit of emotional damage to a person; being forced to sit with unresolved problems that you have tried to resolve but keep getting pushed under the rug and being forced just to accept that, can take an emotional toll on someone.  Then, the time comes where the person who has continuously shoved these things under the rug for so long experiences an emergency or unexpected tragedy and they want to make it right because they don’t want to leave this world with that guilt.  But how do you think that makes the person affected feel?  Most likely they feel 100 times more hurt than before because they may feel as though they weren’t worth fixing these problems for until this time and think about the damage that, on top of the baggage of having to hold onto the issues for so long, can cause.  With that being said, if you’re one of those people who has a tendency to pile things under the rug, think about how that could be affecting those around you.

          Additionally, if you’re the one affected by this person's (or people's) actions and are left sitting with things piled high in your mind from things not being resolved and are left feeling confused, overwhelmed, hurt etc., I’ve been there and I hear you and as hard, damaging, and draining as it can be, this person’s actions are NOT a reflection of your worth, your value, or your potential.  I know you may feel otherwise but believe me when I say this.  You are not subject to live with the backlash of this person’s actions for the rest of your life.  You can rise above.  I know that can be easier said than done, and I know right now it may feel permanent but you are worth so much more than how they made you feel.  You are worth solving and one day, you will rise above the hurt and pain and conquer and you will be so much stronger because of it.

         Thanks so much for reading and stay tuned for more blog posts to come!  Also, feel free to like and follow my page, “Compassionately Inspired” on social media.

~Compassionately Inspired

Anxiety: From Your Enemy to Your Best Friend

          As one with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, I know how debilitating anxiety can be.  However, I also know how empowering it can be.

           To start, let me begin with how I came to reach this realization.  I experienced severe bullying during my middle school years so already having anxiety prior, it definitely didn’t help.  In fact, it only made it ten thousand times worse and spiraled into a deep depression.  It was debilitating, to say the least.  It was a chore just to get out of bed every day and the thought of having to walk in a school every day knowing what I was about to face weighed me down to no end.  During this time, I felt like there was no way things were going to get better and I had no hope.  After being told I was too sensitive, emotional and that this was just all in my head by numerous people, I finally found the right professional who advised me that I was in the wrong school placement and that no matter how hard I fight, it’s a battle I will never win with the particular, prestige school district I was in at the time.  With that being said, I switched to a cyber charter school in 9^th grade and I had no idea that it would be the best thing I had ever done and I never expected such a turnaround in my life.

          Within 3 weeks of making this transition, all of my anxiety and depression were gone; they just faded because I was given what I needed: acceptance, belonging, and understanding.  With that, I was able to conquer the world.  I was able to take this incredibly negative experience and turn it into something incredibly positive with my social media campaign and this blog not only for myself but also to help others struggling as well, to let them know that they are not alone and that things do get better.

          From those three weeks on, I realized that anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy anymore but rather my best friend.  When I was finally able to thrive and reach my potential, I realized that some of my greatest accomplishments were fueled by my anxiety and facing my fears head-on.  It was in those moments of discomfort and lack of confidence where I discovered some of my greatest passions in life.

          Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming it’s “that easy” by any means; it’s not and I’d be lying if I said I don’t my moments.  I mean, don’t we all? After all, we are all only human.  Additionally, I’m not saying that you have to go out and face all of your fears and conquer the world or anything like that.  However, what I am saying is that you have the power within you to let the different adversities you are faced with in life either define you or empower you (again, I know it’s easier said than done but yet, very true).  The defining moment for me when I finally realized anxiety didn’t have to be my enemy anymore was when I realized that yes, I have anxiety but, my anxiety doesn’t define me as a person.  This is something I truly and strongly want to emphasize to you.  Your anxiety, your mental health, your disability, your health status or anything at all that you may be dealing with, does not define you.  You may not realize it now, today, tomorrow, or even months from now, but these struggles are making you stronger and stronger day after day.

          Once you come to this realization that these different things do not define you, you are officially one step closer to achieving the unthinkable.  The power is then in your hands and you get to decide what you do with that power.

           This is where that anxiety comes into play; that voice that used to drive you out of your mind feeding you lie after lie all day, every day has now become the voice; the voice you’ve been waiting for. The voice that says “you CAN do this” instead of “you can’t”.  It is at that moment that anxiety transforms from your enemy to your best friend.

           Does this mean that you’re cured, that all your problems just go away? Absolutely not.  As I mentioned, I still have my moments.  There will be moments and bad days that make you hit a wall.  There will still be those days where that voice tells you “you can’t” and you may be inclined to believe that voice, but don’t give up.  Remember, it’s just a bad day and it will pass and that the next day you will be unstoppable.

           The key to making anxiety your best friend is not about not having bad days.  It’s not about getting rid of that nagging, discouraging voice; it’s about challenging that voice.  The more you challenge the voice that says “you can’t”, the more positive the voice will become because it will realize that you actually can.  Again, way easier said than done, I get it but I believe in you and I know you can do this.  You got this!

Thanks so much for reading!

~ Compassionately Inspired

Abuse and Control: You May be a Victim of It

           Abuse and control are two concepts that are not as widely discussed as they should be.  It’s also often very widely misunderstood on a number of levels and it’s time to shed some light on such an important matter.

          Non-stop lies, consistent blame, threats (direct and/or indirect), physical abuse, hurtful words/name-calling, manipulation, brainwashing.  Any of this sound familiar?  These are just warning signs.  If any of this does sound familiar to you, read on to know that you deserve so much better.  If none of this sounds familiar to you, I encourage you to read on also because chances are you know someone who may be experiencing it.

          Abuse and control may not be so obvious especially since many associate abuse with simply physical harm.  However, there’s so much more to it than that.  In fact, verbal abuse and control can actually take a greater toll on an individual and cause more pain than physical abuse ever can.  That’s not to say physical abuse is any less by any means but I’m just highlighting the importance of this other type of abuse and control that’s equally important but often forgotten.

          It can come in so many forms such as the signs listed above.  If you feel like someone is taking control over you, lying to you on a consistent basis, controlling and jeopardizing your relationships with friends and family, blaming you for their actions and playing victim, twisting words/putting words in your mouth, continue reading.  All of these things are pure controlling behavior and hear me when I say you deserve way better than this.  No one, I repeat, no one deserves that much power over you. I know that if you’re in this situation, it can be hard to believe this.  Maybe you’re at the point where this person got in your head and truly made you believe that it’s all you.  Maybe they convinced you that you’re the one who’s at fault for everything.  But I’m here to tell you that’s the farthest thing from the truth. No, I don’t know you, but what I do know is controlling behavior; Not only professionally as a psychology major and crisis counselor, but also from personal experience.

           Pretty much my entire life growing up, I witnessed control and abuse; mostly verbally towards someone i’m very close to.  As a kid, I knew something seemed wrong but I wouldn’t have considered it as control and abuse.  I just thought this person was “being mean”.  However, as you grow older you start to realize these things and it wasn’t until I started studying psychology in high school and college until the concept of control and abuse really became clear to me when I learned about it in my classes. Something clicked.  I remember one day so clearly sitting in class learning about the cycle of abuse and control that you can see pictured below. I sat there and the exact thought that came through my mind was “Wow. This describes this person I know so clearly.”  It was quite shocking actually because I never really classified this person as an abuser or controller but the truth is they are.  Consistent lies, always placing blame on the victim, instilling (actually encouraging) these same behaviors in others who were close to the victim, manipulating and controlling relationships with the victim’s friends and family and that’s only a very small portion of it.   And you know where it all started?  One word.  One word is all it took to start this continuous cycle of abuse and control.  That goes to show how just one word can have so much power.  Words hurt.

           This brings me to the cycle of control and abuse.  There are 4 key phases to this cycle.  The first is the tension-building phase.  As the name implies, this is where tension builds.  This could take the form of just minor disagreements over minor issues, minor arguments, being verbally attacked, blame and so on.  Then we move onto the explosion phase.  This is where that tension all starts to come out.  The abuser/controller starts to take his/her anger out on you even when it’s clearly not your fault in the form of mild to severe physical harm/abuse and brutal verbal attacks.  Third, we move into the reconciliation phase.  The controller/abuser will try to make up for their actions by showering you with gifts and apologies all the while blaming you (the victim) for what occurred and making you believe that it’s all your fault when really, it’s just the opposite.  Finally, the honeymoon phase.  This is where everything seems so perfect.  However, as a cycle does, it’s not long before the tension-building phase comes around yet again and the cycle starts all over.

          I hope this article has helped you gain a better understanding of the concept of abuse and control. Whether you are someone who is currently experiencing it or whether you know someone who is.  If you’re someone who is experiencing any of this or has experienced any of this, please know you don’t deserve this and you don’t have to tolerate it.  You are worth so much more than that.  If you ever need help or support, check out thehotline.org for support and resources.  You don’t have to go through this alone.  If you’re someone who knows someone who is going through it, show support, be a listening ear, let them know you’re there for them and believe them.  Finally, if you’re someone who recognizes these behaviors in yourself, please know the damaging effect your actions and behaviors can cause; crippling mental health concerns such as depression, worthlessness, and even suicidal ideation/intent.  The effects could be detrimental and life-long.  If you aren’t sure how to gain control back of your behavior but have a desire to, seek help.  There is no shame in asking for help.  It’s not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength.

Thanks for reading! ~Compassionately Inspired

Resources:

Cycle of Control/Abuse: 

http://www.sjsu.edu/spartansforsafety/healthyrelationships/overview/cycleofviolence/index.html

As You Ring in the New Year....

          It's that time of year again! Just a few more hours until the current year comes to a close and a new one begins! This time can bring about a whole cascade of thoughts, emotions, feelings, and memories; the good and the bad. And if you’re anything like me on New Year’s Eve, you’re probably reflecting on the year you’ve had that’s about to come to a close and wondering what’s in store for the year to come. 

          Every year I find myself reflecting and writing about everything that’s happened the past year; the challenges and struggles, and the highlights and this year something got me thinking. We all encounter challenges; that’s just a part of life, right?

           If you’ve had a tough year, you’re probably wishing for a better year ahead with fewer struggles and more happiness. Who wouldn’t want that? No one wants to feel pain or go through hard times. However through those hard times, every challenge, every struggle you have faced this year has prepared you for what’s in store for the new year that’s about to come in just a few hours and has made you stronger than you can imagine. I know it can be so hard to see our struggles in this way sometimes. Sometimes they just feel incredibly overbearing, and overwhelming that we just want them to end or sometimes even go back in time and pretend like it never happened. But as much as we’d like to sometimes wish it hadn’t, it did happen. And while it may not feel like it right now, it happened for a reason. If you have read my other blog posts, you know that I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Even if it takes years to find out what that reason may be; I do believe that there’s always a reason. I am living proof of just that. My greatest struggles in life have turned into my greatest passion, my calling, and my purpose; helping others through similar struggles.

           So, what’s my point? Where am I going with this? The point that I’m trying to get across is that I know it’s tempting to wish for less or even no struggles in the coming year. And that’s totally understandable. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do that by any means. What I am trying to say however, is look at all of the struggles you’ve faced this year and as hard as it may be, rather than looking at the struggles you’ve faced as a negative thing, be grateful for them for they have made you who you are today and they have provided you with the strength and courage you are going to need in the year to come and know that everything you’ve been through this year has happened for a reason and one day I promise, you will discover that reason and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. So as you go into the new year, I encourage you to look back at the struggles you've faced this year and embrace them rather than feel bad about them. Trust me, I know that is way easier than done. I know those struggles probably took a major toll on you, caused a lot of hurt, pain, anger, stress, overwhelm, all of the above, and some may have even worn you down to the ground but as I've repeatedly said; they are what has brought you to where you are today, taught you the lessons you needed to learn, and made you one heck of a strong person and each and every struggle you have encountered bring or brought you one step closer to where you want to and are meant to be. So never give up and never lose hope.

Ring in the new year with this thought and you are already off to an amazing year! Thanks so much for reading and best wishes for a very Happy New Year! ~ Compassionately Inspired