In 2020....

 The start of a new year and a new decade has officially begun.  For some people, this can be an incredibly exciting time.  For others, however, it can bring up a lot of thoughts and emotions or leave one to feel overwhelmed or out of place in the midst of all of the excitement.

It can be easy to get overwhelmed with the idea of starting a new year.  There can be a lot of pressure to make changes or resolutions, plan, set goals, rebuild your life etc. that you may deem just daunting or too much.  Maybe you have a lot going on, just lost someone, aren't feeling it or whatever the case may be; I'm here to tell you that's okay. You don't have to jump into this new year full-force.  You don't have to be ready to make new resolutions.  It's okay if you're not feeling it or overly excited.  It's okay if the thought of a new year seems daunting or overwhelming.  Wherever you are at, it's okay.

You are you and on your own journey that is unique to everyone else's.  Do what feels best and right for you and don't feel guilty about it.  Whether it's a new year or just another day to you, go at your own pace.  Take care of yourself.  There is no rush.

Although this was a relatively short blog post, stay tuned for my next article coming soon!
~Compassionately Inspired

The Importance of Kindness This Holiday Season

The holidays can be a wonderful time of year for many. It can be a time of excitement, joy, laughter, fun, traditions, and all of the above.  While that's amazing, we also need to keep in consideration those whose situation may be just the complete opposite. 

It can be so easy to get caught up in the business of the holidays; the running around, the last-minute errands, rushing to get where you're going, time-frames, etc. because let's face it, we have all probably felt that sense of stress or overwhelm that comes with the holidays to some capacity. However, we can sometimes get too caught up into that stress that we might unintentionally take it out on others whether it be accidentally cutting off someone in traffic, or just in general, not having consideration for those around us.  We don't mean to do it.  We're not doing it intentionally and we probably don't even realize that we do it half of the time but sometimes the stress takes over.  While this may seem minor, it can really be major to some people. 

I say it in all of my blog posts but must repeat for emphasis especially around the holidays: everybody has a story.  We never know what's going on in someone's life.  We never know what kind of battle one may be fighting.  That person who accidentally cut you off in traffic may have just got the news that their parent is dying and is trying to get to the hospital. That person who hasn't returned your text or phone call may be grieving the loss of a loved one and needs some time and space alone.  That person who was supposed to meet you for coffee but didn't show up could have just got some life-changing news.  These are just examples but also very real scenarios to put things into perspective that it can be so easy to assume, judge, and/or maybe even get angry but it's also important to realize we may not know the whole story.  We may not understand why someone is acting a certain way and it can be easy to jump to conclusions and assumptions.  However, chances are, those people are hurting in some way and a phrase as simple as "Are you ok?" "I'm here for you" "Can I do anything?" can all mean the world to that person hurting.  That's why the importance of kindness and compassion every day but especially during the holidays are so important. Often times, especially during the holidays, people won't let you know they are hurting and won't ask for help or for you to listen; they don't want to feel like a burden while you're enjoying your holiday so asking these simple questions can be just what they need. You can be that person to make such a difference even if it's just in one person's life. 

If you're one who is struggling this holiday season, know that you are never alone and it's okay to be feeling what you're feeling.  It's okay if you prefer to be alone.  It's okay if you don't want to talk about it.  It's okay if you need to talk about it.  It's okay to do what you need to do for yourself right now.  I know it's hard right now but you can and will get through this.  If you need support, don't ever hesitate to reach out: text "hello" to 741741 to be connected to a live Crisis Counselor at Crisis Text Line or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. It's OKAY to reach out for help.  It does not make you weak or a burden.  We all need help and someone to listen sometimes. 

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season. 
~Compassionately Inspired

The Power of Being the Real You

You’ve heard it before; “be yourself”, “there’s no one like you”, “be original” etc. but let’s take that on a deeper level for a second. What do these things really mean?  Have we actually stopped to think about it?  Chances are, probably not to the capacity that we should.  I’m a strong believer in the phrases above but I also believe we have to stop for a moment to truly understand what it means to truly be ourselves, our real selves.

The thing is we live in a society where we are so pressured to be perfect. We are so focused on what others’ perceptions of us are and portraying that “perfect image”.  We want others to like us. In addition to that, we also live in a society where technology has taken over our lives leaving many to be anxious about how many likes they get but what if in the midst of all of this we just be who we really are; our true, genuine, real, authentic selves?  We put an enormous amount of energy, often toxic energy, into trying to be “perfect” or “someone we're not”, competing with others even if it’s unintentional and we don’t even realize we’re doing so. However, the fact of the matter is, it takes almost no energy to just be who we really are because well, it’s just naturally who we are.

Not only does that constant pressure of trying to be something or someone were not suck all of the energy out of us, but it also creates a false picture to those around you especially in your relationships (any relationship; friendship, family, professional, romantic, etc.).  It may seem great for a while.  You may feel a high of feeling like you’ve impressed this person or people and that may be an amazing feeling.  However, in the end, true colors always have a way of shining through and more often than not, those same people especially those you’re close with would have accepted you just the way you are if you were your real self and if not, well, that’s their problem, not yours.  Not being your true self can actually harm relationships and other amazing things; jobs, opportunities, etc. due to creating a lack of trust and honesty when those true colors do shine through.  You must first love yourself and the person you are enough and it won’t be long for others to do the same. However, if focus all of your energy in trying to love the person your not, chances are others will have a hard time doing the same because true love and happiness comes from within.

I hear you: “But what if people don’t like the real me?” “What if who I am isn’t good enough?” “What if…” I get it.  However, what I learned a very long time ago is that anyone who doesn’t accept you for your true self, isn’t worth your time and attention anyway. There is and will be people out there who accept you're fully for who you are.  Maybe you haven’t met them yet. Maybe you’re still feeling like that oddball out I mentioned in my last article but I promise you, there are people out there who do and will accept you and yourself is absolutely amazing.  You are worth it.  You are enough and you are loved, just the way you are.

My Experience As a Crisis Counselor

There’s no greater reward than being of service to others.

Knowing that you are making a difference even if it’s the smallest difference for just one person, to me, is one of the greatest rewards in life. That’s why I’m a Volunteer Crisis Counselor for Crisis Text Line.  I’ve always had such an immense passion for helping others because I know how impactful it can be to be heard, to have someone say “I’m here for you” or “you’re not alone”.  With that being said, my experience as a Crisis Counselor with Crisis Text Line has been the most eye-opening and empowering experience of my life in so many ways. One of the biggest ways being you never realize how many people are really out there struggling until you’re on the other end of that line seeing the texters come in.  So often, when we go through struggles in life, we are led to believe that we’re the only ones or that nobody gets it or understands but the truth is, so many people do. There are so many people, while their stories are unique, going through very similar things and to be on that other end and be able to help people going through these things and support them as they go from that “hot moment” and guide them to that “cool calm” is simply one of the most rewarding things to me personally.

Additionally, I’ve learned so many important and valuable things and gained so many new insights and perspectives throughout my experience as a Crisis Counselor.  One of the biggest things is the power in not being so quick to give advice when we’re trying to support someone.  It can be so easy or automatic to want to jump in and give someone struggling advice but what’s even more powerful that we learn through our training and that I’ve seen first-hand when helping people is simply being there and meeting people where they are at.  Especially in a crisis situation, people more often than not, are not looking for advice but rather to be heard. Another major thing I’ve had the opportunity to expand on is the motto I live by everyday that everybody has a story.  We are all different and everybody has different reactions and feelings to certain events, situations, etc. and it’s imperative that we are mindful of that especially when we’re supporting someone so they feel comfortable and safe opening up and not as though we are judging them. Finally, as a Crisis Counselor, I feel like I never stop learning;  With every new conversation in addition to working with other amazing Crisis Counselors, Supervisors, and Coaches all who share a common passion and goal, there’s always something new to be learned.

In summary, as mentioned, my experience volunteering as a Crisis Counselor with Crisis Text Line has been nothing short of an incredibly fulfilling one to say the least.  If you love supporting and being there for others, I highly encourage you to apply to become a Crisis Counselor today.  I never expected this experience to teach me so many new things and provide me with such amazing opportunities.

If You’re Always Feeling Like The “Odd One Out”: You’re Not Alone.

Do you ever feel like no matter where you are or what you do, there’s just always that sneaky feeling of you’re not like the rest, or like you just don’t fit in, like you’re the “odd one out”?  I hear you and you’re not alone.  However, I’m also here to tell you, if you are feeling like this; it’s okay.  There’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not the only one despite the fact that you probably feel like you are.

The truth is, I’ve felt like this my entire life except for in my high school where to this day, is the only place I’ve ever truly felt 100% accepted or that I belonged.  I even visited over 16 colleges during my college search to try and find that place was just like my high school because it’s something that I strongly desired; to be accepted.  Then, the first college I chose ended up not necessarily being the right choice for me so I transferred after the first semester.  The college I transferred to is a great school and is definitely a much better fit for me for sure.  However, since high school, I’ve gone back to having that sneaky feeling creeping up on me from time to time that I’m not like the rest and sometimes that hits me.  Sometimes I question why can’t I fit in?  Why does it look so easy for everyone else?  Is it me?

I never knew if it was because of my hearing loss or my anxiety.  I always felt like there had to be something wrong with me for me to feel this way.  However, as a psychology major and someone who is the president and vice president of 2 mental health clubs on campus, I’m starting to learn that I’m actually not the only one feeling like this.  Contrary to what I always thought, It’s actually not just me and that maybe it’s actually normal in a way to be feeling like this. I didn’t realize it until recently when I started a group on campus that serves as a safe place for students to come, connect, and talk about what they’re going through and even in some of my psychology classes and getting to know some like-minded people.

The world can feel so big sometimes.  It can feel like you’re just a single person or another number caught up in the midst of life but in reality, everyone is.  If you’ve read some of my other blog posts or heard some of my speeches, you’ve heard me say “everybody has a story”;  that’s my motto and always has been ever since I went through bullying but it wasn’t until I started having these meaningful conversations with others and gaining such a trauma-informed perspective through the trauma training I recently received that I realized that I really am not alone.  It’s not like we go around wearing these feelings on our sleeves and it’s not necessarily a major point of conversation so it can appear as though everyone else is totally fine but in reality, there are so many more people than you know feeling the exact same way.

I know it can be easier said than done to put things into this perspective and honestly, without going through trauma-training or being a psychology major, I’m not sure I would have developed such a perspective myself which is why I’m sharing it with you.  If you’re going through something or even if you’re just having these feelings or feeling alone, I promise you, you aren’t alone.  It can be so easy to feel like that but remember, there are so many others feeling this way that you would never know. Besides, if you were like the others, you wouldn’t be you.  Embrace your uniqueness and don’t try to be someone you’re not just to fit in; the world needs your uniqueness.

Don't Judge One's Decisions When You Don't Know One's Story or Reasons

Don’t judge one's decisions when you don’t know one's reasons...  This is a pretty vague statement but if you’ve ever been in a position where you’ve had to make a really rough decision(s), I’m sure you can relate and know that it can actually hold a lot of meaning.  However, for those who haven’t been in this situation or aren’t exactly sure what I mean by this, read on because chances are you know someone in this situation and this applies to you too.

All too often, when people confide in others for support or advice or even just tell others about a situation they're in or a problem they have, people often respond with phrases like “you should” “you shouldn’t” “you’ll regret it” “that’s a mistake” “you’ll change your mind”…  And while we may think that this is the kind of advice people are looking for and may have the right intentions when giving this kind of advice (and maybe sometimes it is in certain cases); often when people are expressing their feelings about something to you, they’re often not looking for advice or for you to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do; they’re telling you a side of a story, their side, their feelings and while you think you may be helping, these phrases can actually come across as judgmental leading the person confiding in you to feel insecure among other things.  Chances are they came to you for a reason, they shared this information with you for a reason, most likely because they trusted you; not because they were looking for advice but because they were looking for support; there’s a difference.  I say it in every single speech I give and almost every single blog post and I will always say it: Everybody Has a Story.  Everybody has a story you most likely know nothing about.  Everyone is battling something you know nothing about and feeling judged can add even more salt to the wound on top of whatever they are already dealing with.

To shed some light on what I’m talking about, let me provide a few examples.  I first encountered this when I transferred from public school to cyber school after being severely bullied on a daily basis.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard “that’s the wrong decision”, “you shouldn’t do that” “you’ll never thrive”, “you’ll never go to college”, “you won’t be successful” etc. etc. because they did not know the nature and severity of the situation. They didn’t know what I or my mother, who was going through it with me were dealing with on a daily basis.  They didn’t know that if I were to stay in that situation, the toll it would have taken on my mental health in addition to the toll it had already taken at that time.  Most importantly though, they didn’t know me. They didn’t know my ambition, my drive, my determination.  They didn’t know what I was capable of but what they didn’t know the most was my story and my reasons.  But, let me tell you; there was/is no greater feeling than walking down that asile of my high school graduation knowing that my hard work, ambition, and most of all, my resilience proved all of them wrong.

Another example that is all too real is my decision to cut ties with my toxic, and narcissistic abusive father and my family.  If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know just a bit of this story but it goes far beyond what any blog post or even conversation can shed light on thus, my point of everybody has a story you know nothing about and there are two sides to every story.  I bring this up as my mom and I have been in the process of cleaning out our house and are currently going through old pictures. I made the decision to not keep pictures of my father or family with the exception of one or two because as I said it stems from a toxic relationship situation and this decision supports my process of healing the trauma that my father and other members of my family have caused.  Don’t get me wrong, I have overcome and healed from this trauma a long time ago but as someone with strong autonomy who knows myself well and what I need to maintain my mental health and keep moving forward from my past, I know that keeping those pictures is not only not in my best interest but also, that getting rid of the pictures is my personal coping mechanism and something that is healing to me because it is part of my way of removing toxicity from my life.  I’m not going to get into specific details for the sake of the length of this post but what I will say is that even people who know snippets of this story, even the smallest parts, don’t even know even close to half of the story; some, not even my side of the story, my feelings, or what I have personally been through and how much I put into the decision, how much it took to cut those ties but choose to tell me that I “shouldn’t do that” that I’ll “regret it”, “it’s wrong”, “people change” and while some of them may have good intentions, I’m sorry; but you are wrong.  Again, you don’t know half of it and you can’t possibly know the half of it.  I realize some of these people may have “similar” experiences but they are not my experiences, they are not my story, they are not my feelings. Just because this wouldn’t be your decision or because you have had a different experience, doesn’t mean it’s the same for me or for others.

Every single story is different.  Every single person is different.  What is considered healing to one may be considered selfish to others but it is not your place to make that determination.  The only thing that you can determine is how you feel and what is right for you personally.  It can be easy to judge based on our own experiences and our natural instinct to think that because we experience it this way, that is the way but that’s the farthest thing from the truth.  You can place two identical people in the same exact situation and they could have completely, drastically different feelings, experiences, decisions, and outcomes.  That does not mean one person is right and one person is wrong; that means everyone is different and we need to respect that and strive to offer more support than advice that we “think” is right.

When Past, Uncovered Trauma Eventually Comes to the Surface

Trauma. What is it Isn’t it experiencing something big, serious, or life-threatening?  Well, it could be, but the truth is; it’s actually that and so much more.  It may shock you to learn that trauma comes in all shapes, forms, sizes, and levels of severity.  In fact, some of the things that we may never in a million years consider to be traumatic or classified as trauma, can actually be incredibly traumatic.  The reason why this isn’t widely known is that the reality of that trauma may not come or hit you until many years later, especially if it’s something that is not typically considered a trauma.  I write this particular article from two perspectives; one as having been through and overcome these types of trauma in my own life and also as a psychology major going through trauma training. 

Trauma as many of us know it, come in the forms of very severe and perhaps you could say, obvious cases or situations.  For instance, it is commonly associated with situations of gun violence, assault, witnessing or enduring a life-threatening situation, etc.  But what if I told you that things like bullying, losing a parent (even if you still have an incredibly supportive parent) or other close family member, growing up in an environment filled with tension/arguing (even if you’re not directly involved), or even just watching someone you love and care about go through a really rough time could be considered trauma too?  To many, these things seem like typical struggles of life. Yes, we know that they are hard, we know that they are sad and depressing, but what we don’t necessarily realize is that for some people, they are harder than we think and when I say hard, I’m talking hard on a traumatic level. What’s important to note here before going further into this is that every single person is different and therefore, everyone deals with life, and different things/situations, etc. differently.  You could place two identical people, same age, gender, history, even identical twins, etc.  in the exact same situation but their outcomes or what they grow up to be could be complete, polar opposites and that all has to do with soooo many factors, and the fact that everyone is different (put simply; there is so much more to that but we’ll leave it general for now).  Now, some of you reading this may even already know this part of trauma too; so why am I writing this? 

Well, as mentioned above, I’m writing this from two perspectives; the psychology major perspective and the personal perspective.  I’ll start with the psychology major perspective as it leads to the personal perspective. 

It’s most likely obvious to you (even those who are not psychology majors) that the field of psychology has a focus on understanding mental health and thinks like trauma etc. as a means to understand and help others but as I go through my psychology major and get closer and closer to my degree, as I’m sure many other psychology majors also experience is that you also learn a whole lot about yourself and your own life experiences as well.  That moment when you’re sitting in a psychology class and something clicks and you think to yourself “wow, this is so me” or “wow, I get that thing/situation now!” it’s an eye-opening, “aha” moment. I’ve briefly explained the logistical, educational part of the trauma from the psychology perspective above, but this is where the personal perspective comes in. 

If you’ve read my previous articles, have been keeping up with my work, or know me personally, you know I’ve had my share of struggles and the reason that I’ve dedicated my work and passion to this blog, psychology, crisis counseling, sharing my story, and helping others are all because of my struggles.  I made the decision a long time ago that I would never let my struggles define me. When I found a place where I belonged and was accepted, I was no longer a victim. After being a victim of bullying and other struggles for so long, I decided that I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. Because of this, I thought that was the end of all struggle; that nothing could ever trigger me or get me at all ever again.  And for a while, this was true and a very large piece of that is still so true. I may be cracked, bruised, and scarred but no matter what, no matter what life or anyone or anything throws at me, no matter how bad; I know for a fact that I cannot, under any circumstances, be broken; I am unbreakable. However, I was also forced to realize or should I say be reminded of something that was in hiding beneath the surface for quite a while but was forced to come to the surface just recently. 

You may have also read my previous articles about toxic relationships or narcissism and bullying etc.  You may have even figured out that many of my articles were about my father and his betrayal, especially if you know me. However, also if you know me, you know I have an absolutely amazing mother who is my best friend and biggest supporter.  Because of that unconditional support, I have been able to thrive beyond what I ever thought possible. Because of that unconditional support, and pursuing my utmost passion in life that provides me with great fulfillment, trauma was the last thing that would come to my mind when I think about my story or experiences.  Struggles? Sure, most definitely. But trauma? Prior to this recent training and being a psychology major, I’m one of those people who would never in a million years have considered myself to have ever endured trauma. But then I learned all about it and not just the basics, but in-depth, and I started receiving internal messages that said: “think about these words”.  So I did, I thought about them. In these beginning stages, I was like “okay, so maybe I’ve endured some trauma but that’s my past; I’m living my dream, I’m happier than can be, I have an amazing mom, amazing job, amazing opportunities and experiences, getting an education, and a great relationship. That signal, that voice said “you’re right and that’s all great but keep listening.”  Naturally, I did. And little by little, I found myself resonating with certain things and topics that made me think just a bit and reflect on my own life and experiences: “hmm, I never quite thought of it like that” and this happens often as a psychology major. However, it wasn’t until one sentence spoke to me and resonated so deeply that made my eyes truly open. This statement was something along the lines of “when a child loses a parent whether it’s due to death or betrayal or endures another hurtful experience, that child endures deep hurt and that hurt especially if other hurtful scenarios follow and/or are repeated that leads a person to never let anyone get close enough to hurt them BUT that will also eventually mean that person will more likely, never let anyone get close enough to love them.”  It was in that moment that all I could think to myself was “wow”.  I knew that I was always very hesitant to allow people to get close to me due to the fear of being hurt, this I knew.  But what I didn’t realize was that in doing that, I really was doing that other part too; I was not letting people get close enough to love me.  At first, this realization hit me as a bad thing, like wow, I must need help, but once I let it sink in and process it; I realized that sometimes, just the notion of something being brought to your attention enough to make you think, has more power than anything.  I not realized, but was merely reminded of many things upon processing this statement and one of the biggest things I was reminded of was my resilience and that is the message I want to get across to you today; read on, I promise, I’m almost to the point. 

No matter what stage you’re at in your life, no matter what struggles, traumas, etc. you have endured, know that you are one amazing, resilient person for having endured all of that.  Even if you haven’t come to terms with certain things yet, it is okay; you will when you are meant to when you are ready to. Healing takes time and it’s a process. This idea of trauma or being told that you’ve endured a trauma when you just don’t feel like it was a trauma or haven’t necessarily had the time to truly process it yet can be hard in and of itself; it’s a lot to take in but know that despite your trauma, despite whatever you have endured, you’re still here, you’re still going, you haven’t given up and maybe things are still hard right now but that’s okay. The fact that you’re still here, still standing, still trying, you’ve succeeded, you have risen above, and for simply being here, you are more beyond resilient than you can possibly know.  If you know someone who has endured trauma, be there; take time to care. You may not understand what they’re going through, it may be hard to understand.  That person who endured the trauma may do everything in their power to push you as far away as possible due to the reason/statement above of not wanting to be hurt.  It’s most likely not personal but just that they need to go at a slower pace, they need more time to process, to build trust. So be patient, if you don’t understand, don’t be afraid to ask; they may not be ready to talk about it but the fact that you ask rather than assume can mean a lot to someone but the absolute most important thing you can do for that person is to simply be there.  Often, you don’t even need to say much or anything at all but often, for many, just your presence and support is enough to send a message of “I’m here, you’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere and it’s going to be okay” and that is most likely, most often what someone going through or healing from a trauma needs in that moment. 

Thanks so much for reading!  For more inspirational content, be sure to subscribe and/or like and follow my social media pages below. 

~ Compassionately Inspired